


Switch

by HackdrawerMcHugglesWorthRivertonThe3rd



Category: One Piece
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Swapping, bro fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28979985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HackdrawerMcHugglesWorthRivertonThe3rd/pseuds/HackdrawerMcHugglesWorthRivertonThe3rd
Summary: After a date, Law allows Sanji to walk a day in his body - both of them will regret it when the entire world falls in love with them as a pair *COMPLETE*
Comments: 8
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an older story of mine - it’s complete. Full of crass humor so if you’re sensitive to men pissing in alleyways, then.....don’t read. XD

"Blackleg-ya, I need your general assistance," Law declared, slamming the kitchen door open and causing Sanji to squeeze his icing out with a startled jolt.

It was a brilliantly beautiful day out on the sea; the Thousand Sunny was docked away from the island, with the rest of the crew enjoying their stay out on the town. Nami had said that they would stay overnight in some cheap hostels to save money, but Sanji had volunteered to stay in for watch because he needed to finish touching up some dessert recipes without interruption from the others. The peace and quiet was welcome, and he'd been working in silence for some time when Law interrupted him.

He'd thought the surgeon of death would be taking advantage of the town's amenities rather than hanging out on the quiet, empty decks of Sunny. He wondered what happened to the clown – maybe the Idiot Trio was using him for target practice, or something.

Sanji chewed on his toothpick with a sneer as he watched Law glare at the seven tiered cake.

"You looking for some facial surgery?" Sanji asked. "Because if that face keeps regarding my beautiful creation like one would gaze down upon human shit on the deck – "

" _No_ , asshole," Law returned, fists clenched at his sides while he regarded the cook with that same glare. He'd heard the rumors of Sanji's odd facial reconstruction surgery – he had to hide his amazement because he wanted to explore that rumor but…

He managed to say, "After much debate, I have determined that you'd be the one I'd need to approach regarding this particular problem. I still have a few hours before it'll happen but – "

Sanji drew his eyebrows together with concern. "So, what…is this? A doctor thing?"

Law fiddled with his sword for a few moments, then muttered darkly, "A date."

Sanji nearly died on the spot. He dropped his icing onto the floor. Law rolled his eyes.

"It's not a big deal, Blackleg-ya," he said impatiently.

"How is someone like _you_ ," Sanji gestured at him wildly, "able to get a _date_?"

"I don't know these things, my crew does it for me. Just…I need to borrow a shirt."

" _This is so unfair_!" Sanji cried.

"Maybe a tie as well," Law considered, looking over his outfit with a skeptical eye.

Sanji gaped at him for a few moments. Law snapped his fingers at him to bring him back to reality.

"Are you going to do this, or do I just have to rummage in your shitty little locker for myself?"

"You bastard, you first step into my office with a request, blast me with upsetting facts then declare war upon my things? It's like you _want_ to be drowned!" Sanji huffed, picking up his icing and set it aside. He wiped his hands on his apron. "If you didn't care in the first place, why even try for an impression?"

"I secretly admire villains that take the time to dress the part," Law confessed. "Unfortunately, I lack similar fashion sense. But it seems you're hip to it."

Sanji looked the older man up and down. The former warlord was in jeans and a yellow tanktop today, wearing brown high top sneakers that made his upper lip curl with disdain. Law looked like someone that should be lounging in some back corner of an alley with colorful drugs and crouching gang members at his bidding, not a former warlord that boasted of a multi-figure bounty.

"I _do_ want to return you to the juvenile detention center you slipped away from…"

Law gave Sanji's vest, collar shirt, tie and trousers a disgusted frown. "What do you need to dress up for, your highness? You're the only one here."

Sanji rolled his eyes, hand on hip. "I'll do this under one condition – you follow my instructions to produce a successful date."

Law looked at him suspiciously. "Why would I want to participate in your whimsical fancies?"

"If you're going to be wearing _my_ clothes, you might as well as act the whole part! I don't want your bad vibes to rub off on my shit to give me shitty luck with the ladies, later…"

"From what it seems, Blackleg-ya, you're the only producer of your 'shitty luck'."

"And yet you want to bathe yourself in my shitty luck by _wearing_ my clothes."

"I figure with your track record, this will be as shitty a date as I prefer."

"I think you're just saying all this shit like some tough guy. You're probably nervous deep inside, _wanting_ to make a good impression. And you seek my help because you know I'm the only one on this crew that can give it! With this in mind, I am more than eager to assist," Sanji then said, looking cheered at the thought while Law rolled his eyes. "Admit it, you secretly want at least one of these dates to end well enough to stumble back to the ship with a good story to share with the rest of us losers."

"If you're suggesting a walk of shame, of course I won't be. I'm a pitiable twenty-six year old virgin who has never been kissed," Law said haughtily.

"How you can say that with such a straight face scares me," Sanji said with concern, hand to his heart.

"Of course I'm not, Blackleg-ya! I've slept with tons of bitches and have a crude reputation for it! The more lives I ruin, the better I feel about myself! By the way, do you have any condoms?"

Sanji understood that Law spoke with such dry sarcasm that he could either be telling the truth or lying, and had to stare at him for several moments to determine the proper direction to take the conversation. But his facial features screwed up with pity, taking out the toothpick from between his teeth with immense disappointment.

"I'm going to ignore all that big chatter," he said, clapping his hands together. "I will assist you with a functioning wardrobe to get you a lovely lady's heart, tonight."

" _Finally_ ," Law muttered bitterly. "Give me a few minutes. I need to wash my dick in the sink, first."

Sanji kicked him out of his kitchen with a startled cry.

Minutes later, Sanji buttoned up the white shirt he'd picked out and flipped the collar up so he could apply the simple black tie. Law stood there uncomfortably, eyes moving from side to side to avoid looking at him as Sanji focused hard on the task. Once he was through with that, he quickly fixed his tie and then adjusted the collar.

"I am going to tighten a few places here," Sanji muttered, pulling out safety clips and gathering shirt material with a determined look to his eye. "Skinny fucker."

"I don't understand why I am standing here as a doll you can dress like it's almost time for tea," Law grumbled, feeling his skin retract from the places where Sanji was using the safety pins like a fencing sword. "All I'm going to do is sit there and eat something that's more appetizing than the slop you've been tossing to this crew so it's not like I need all this extra attention."

"Your crew babies you too much," Sanji sneered at him, buttoning up the jacket. He then crouched down in front of him to fiddle with his trouser pants, yanking on his hems. "Probably sends ahead for a tailor to find you plain shit so you walk into dates looking slobby and uncouth, just like your face."

"You're obsessed with my face."

Sanji straightened up to look at him, eyes snapping here to there to determine his next line. He then said, "Because it's terrifying."

Law frowned at his close proximity. He had a nervous sweat going for some reason. "Have you seen yourself when you're looking at the navigator or archeologist?"

Sanji harshly adjusted the jacket to fit Law better. Then he looked the man over with a sigh. "Well, I did my best, but I can only change your appearance, not your personality."

"I look like a dandy," Law complained, slapping on his hat. He looked into the mirror nearby, scowling heavily as he adjusted the brim to his liking. "Why do I have to look exactly like you?"

"You _wish_ you did because _if_ you did, you'd look handsome and not scary. Now, here," Sanji instructed, reaching over to grab the flowers he'd intended on dressing the table with and slapping them against one arm. "Take these. Give them to her, and say something like, 'I saw these and thought immediately of you!'"

"Why would I say that when I have no idea what she looks like?" Law complained, looking at the flowers with disgust. Sanji snatched them back. "And what's the point of giving someone something that's already dead? I might as well as search around your kitchen for a dead rat to give…"

"How could you not know what your date looks like if your crew arranged it?"

"All I know is that I show up and sit down and she approaches me because everyone knows what I look like."

" _Are you being sent right into a trap_?"

"Quite possibly, knowing how much my crew hates me," Law said gravely, turning this way and that to admire himself. He had to admit, Sanji's clothes fit him rather well, save for the fact that the hems of his trousers were a little too short and Sanji's shoulders and upper torso was bigger than his; he might have height on his side, but he was still thinner than the cook.

"Just give them to her and say something nice," Sanji then said with disgust, handing the flowers back.

With a heavy sigh, Law took them. "Well, whatever. I'm going to get this over with."

"I'm going with you, hold on," Sanji said, reaching into his closet to pull out some basic black and white clothing.

"Why? Did they recruit you to tell on me?" Law asked, wearing a shocked expression as he picked petals off some of the buds.

"No, shitty idiot! I'm going to go there and make sure you don't mess it up!"

"Why would you do that? That's stupid. Leave me alone. I'm a grown man."

"It makes sense to think of your crew waiting on you hand and foot, wiping your ass for you – that's probably why you turned from a smiley sociopath to a frowny-faced psycho in the space of two years at Punk Hazard," Sanji muttered, pulling on a black shirt and running a hand through his hair. "You suddenly had to do things by yourself for yourself and it was a shitty experience."

"It was," Law admitted. "Monet kept trying to sleep with me."

Sanji sank to his knees in front of his locker while Law made a face. He adjusted his collar, flicked away imaginary dirt from his shoulders. He did like the way he looked, but was too embarrassed to say anything about it.

"Can you imagine trying to stick your dick into something Doflamingo's already laid claim to?"

Sanji wiped his face with dragging hands, trying not to allow such filthy images to scar his mind, while immense jealousy raged through him.

"Not that I can," Law continued, picking more petals from the flowers and dropping them onto the floor, "but I imagine that's what she was looking for. Just because I'm tall doesn't mean _everything's_ lengthy."

"Just…shut up. I hate you."

Law exhaled uneasily. "I guess I am a little bit nervous," he admitted. "Because what if she ends up liking me anyway? Can you imagine the lengths I'd have to take to scare her away just so I could complete my life's missions?"

Sanji stood up, looking at him with concern. "I can't imagine anyone liking you romantically. You're a terrible person."

Law blushed uneasily. "Thank you."

"That wasn't a compliment!"

Clearing his throat, Law adjusted the tie's clasp around his neck and said, "You're not going to be there to dictate my entire conversation with her, are you?"

"No, but I'll be there to put out any fires you might start."

Law looked concerned, plucking more petals before Sanji realized what he was doing and snatching the bouquet from him. "I've always worried about becoming an accidental firebug, so maybe this is needed. I'd hate to leave a meal before I had a chance to eat it."

"This is going to be a terrible date," Sanji had to admit to himself, looking weary.


	2. Chapter 2

The restaurant was small and quaint, but Sanji was able to fit right in as restaurant staff. Law seated himself, tossing the flowers aside on a chair and demanding beer. Diners gave him second glances but nothing more than that, and Sanji made sure to attend his table specifically to keep him out of trouble. Every time a single female diner entered the establishment, Sanji grit his teeth. He could not believe that this former warlord had time to actually _date_ between conquests.

 _It was so unfair_!

At the same time, this was going to be a wonderful opportunity for him to gleam some tips from the older man – whatever it was Law had to get attention from the ladies was something Sanji could definitely use.

A lone female – lovely as could be with long, dark hair, wide dark eyes and the most perfect of shapes – came to the hostess stand with nervousness clear in her features. She looked around the dining floor, obviously searching for someone. Sanji immediately rushed to assist despite the host standing there, ready to serve.

"Hello, beautiful flower," Sanji greeted, taking her hand and holding it within both of his while she looked at him with surprise. "My goodness this restaurant has been blessed by the presence of such a gorgeous angel! I'm assuming you're here to meet your date?"

"Ah…yes," she stuttered nervously, blushing at his attention. "Um…it's a blind date. Um…I'm sorry…I haven't the faintest of ideas on what he looks like or even…are there any single men out here, waiting for me? I mean…"

Sanji had to swallow the lump in his throat. He wanted to cry. This was so _unfair_ – he was absolutely positive that it was _him_ she was looking for, not someone like Trafalgar Law. He couldn't help but look over his shoulder at the surly faced man, who was busy browsing the alcohol menu while swishing beer around in his mouth. Once he swallowed, he burped noisily and refused to excuse himself, causing diners to look back at him with discomfort.

With a waning expression, he muttered, "Yes…yes there is…right this way, miss…"

She followed him to the table where Law sat, and Sanji felt his face and neck redden as the older man looked terribly disinterested in the woman as she caught sight of him. It was unnerving to see how the woman's skin flushed surprise, eyes wide with pleasant warmth, nervous hands going to her hair as Law's features caused her to react. Yeah, he might have some attractive features but how was that enough to excuse his personality? Law obviously didn't appreciate the woman as much as Sanji did, and it was just so _unfair_!

"Your _date_ ," Sanji muttered bitterly, waving a hand at him. But he quickly perked up, assisting her with the removal of her jacket and guiding her into her chair before offering her a choice of drinks.

"And you, sir?" Sanji asked on a strangled tone. "Will something other than beer catch your fancy?"

Sullen silence responded back to him, but Law picked up his nearly empty mug to indicate a refill. Sanji grit his back molars, waiting for Law to at least acknowledge the woman who seemed to freeze with a nervous smile.

"Won't you greet your date? She came all this way to meet you," Sanji indicated, trying to sound as polite as possible.

Law studied the plates at the table nearest them and jammed a thumb in that direction. "Bring me that instead."

Sanji whapped him across the head, then hurriedly straightened his hat and brushed off his jacket before resetting him in the seat. Law looked at him murderously. Hands together and sputtering with jovial mortification, Sanji leaned over the woman to say, "Please excuse his rude behavior. He's just very nervous – it's his first date, so please be gentle with him."

The woman looked startled but she nodded with a friendly smile in Law's direction.

"'tch," Law muttered, leaning hairy chin on palm as his elbow found the table.

"You two get acquainted, I'll be back with some appetizers," Sanji growled out, leaving hastily so he could return just as quickly.

After the Strawhat cook left, Law frowned at the nervously smiling woman that blushed prettily as she focused on the table, seemingly without words. His stomach and chest was in knots – none of this got any easier. He was pretty sure he was going to mess this date up just like the others. He swallowed tightly.

 _Hi…Hey…Good Afternoon_ …? he thought nervously, face tightening with a scowl as he felt a nervous sweat come over him. Sanji's clothes were surprisingly well ventilated – he didn't feel stuffy in them, but he was irritated with how Sanji's jacket smelled with a mixture of cigarette smoke, sea salt and old cologne. _Do I introduce myself unnecessarily? She knows who I am, why waste the effort_? _What if she is an assassin? Crap, I didn't notice if she were carrying any weapons…_

"Who put you up to this?" he then demanded. "Anyone by the name of Donquixote?"

"Um, I believe she called herself Izzy," the woman mumbled with a surprised expression with the way she was addressed. "My name is Barbara. We met while I was vacationing on the coast of another island. They knew you'd stop here for supplies. Um, it's a pleasure to meet you, sir."

Law had to give it to his crew – they were definitely spot on with calendar and travel times. Or they were communicating with Nami beforehand without him noticing. He relaxed a little.

"It's all on your end, I'm sure. I assure you, I'm not anything that my crew claimed me to be," Law said, reaching for his beer mug again. "So please prepare yourself to be treated rudely and without any consideration."

"I wouldn't expect anything less of a wanted pirate," Barbara said breathlessly, lighting up. Her eyes lingered around his facial features, actively drawing in the sight of his physical presence like it was a delicious treat. "I'm sure you've many stories to tell of your adventures!"

"I suppose so," Law mumbled, swishing his beer around. "But none of them would be things you'd be interested in."

"Try me! I love to pen adventure novels, and I would absolutely love to hear of yours," she said, hastily digging out some ink and paper from her purse.

"I'd rather not waste my voice for someone that would only embellish the details."

"With how high your bounty is, there won't be embellishing!" she assured him, flushed with pleasure. "With the information you'd give me, I'd be able to pen a wonderful novel with realistic details about wanted men on the high seas…"

"Are you a journalist?"

"No, I…I prefer fiction. I love to write about foreign lands and travel and highly dramatized adventure!" Barbara sighed, looking upbeat. "Knowing that you've experienced much of that, I'd love to hear some of it so that I might rewrite them into a new novel! Of course, it wouldn't be you, I'd change names and locations and descriptions, if you'd prefer…otherwise, it'd just be a bit of fan fiction…"

 _Fan fiction_? Law questioned, eyebrows furrowed. _Well, of course she'd consider herself a 'fan'…people like reading about us_. _But to combine our lives with fiction_? _How does that work_? _If it's not real it's damaging, but to tell her the truth is equally as so_. _Just as I thought, she's only interested in the surface value. Typical_.

"Here are your appetizers, and…what's this?" Sanji asked, depositing plates onto the table while Law scowled at him. He reached over impatiently and removed the man's hat, tossing it onto the chair next to him. "Is this a marriage interview? Oh, ho ho ho! How wonderful!"

"Not a marriage interview," Barbara said hastily, waving at him to move on as she looked to Law. "Now, care to share a secret –?"

"Are you a journalist?" Sanji asked her with concern, noting her ink stained fingers.

"She writes fiction," Law stated airily.

"Like romance novels?" Sanji asked incredulously, leaning onto the table. "How wonderful!"

"I write adventure, thank you," Barbara corrected hastily. "I love to write about adventure, and I would love to write about his!"

Sanji looked concerned. "Maybe you shouldn't. This work of fiction would turn immediately into a disgusting snuff novel."

" _Oh_ …"

"He did kill a hundred men for their hearts. He collects them still, to this day," he said, rummaging through the jacket Law wore and producing Caesar's. Barbara gasped as Sanji squeezed it a few times, Law looking at him with annoyance. Sanji could just imagine hearing Caesar's shriek of pain from across the island – wherever he was. "Barbaric, really. Carrying them in his pockets like a child collecting frogs or worms. That's not interesting to write about."

"I have the reputation of a heart stealer, and people like to think it's my looks that do so," Law said, finishing off his beer and setting the empty mug aside. He took Caesar's heart back and stuffed it back into his pocket. "So it upsets me when people come to the table thinking of me only for my looks."

"He's a very insecure man," Sanji said sadly, patting the top of his head. "For a man his age and experience, he's really just a shy little boy underneath that ugly surface."

Law swatted his hand away, huffing as Barbara sat stiffly, unsure of what to think.

"You two know each other?" she then asked curiously.

"No," Sanji said as Law said quickly, "Unfortunately."

They tried to correct each other. "Unfortunately, no."

" _I mean_! Unfortunately, I _do_ know him," Sanji said hastily while Law scowled. "But it's not what you think, we're not allied, or anything. It's just – you know one pirate, you know them all."

" _Okay_ ," Barbara said slowly, furrowing her brow as her quill moved slowly over her page. Her eyes coursed from one to the other with some consideration. "So you infiltrated restaurant staff to check his behavior?"

"Ah…yes…"

She looked delighted, writing furiously while Sanji started to look uncertain. Law frowned, trying to figure her out.

"I'm sorry, I'm interfering too much," Sanji then apologized, fluttering over the table unnecessarily. He removed the mug. "Enjoy your appetizers."

"Wait," she called out, tucking hair behind one ear and smearing ink on her cheek. "One question – "

"This is supposed to be a date between us, not including him," Law said, Sanji looking proud of him for speaking up.

"I don't mind multiple men at once, as long as I have my paper and quill!" she said cheerfully, Sanji perking up while Law looked unsettled.

Utterly delighted to be included as potential suitor, Sanji sat in the chair closest to her. "Well, in that case - !"

Law shut Sanji up by saying shortly, "To answer your earlier question, I like men. There's rarely any female pirates on sea so I took to turning to men for nightly comfort."

Barbara faltered as Sanji choked noisily, but her eyes widened with suspicious interest.

Satisfied that he'd self-sabotaged this date, Law grabbed his newly refilled beer mug. "So interviewing for any marriage would just be a complete waste of our time."

Barbara's breathing increased slightly. "This isn't a – "

"Don't say such things!" Sanji snapped at him. "Are you _trying_ to - ? Miss, I apologize, he's in a foul mood today. His behavior and mood is rather repugnant."

"Are you seeing someone now?" Barabara interrupted, rather feverishly.

"I can't say," Law said with a shrug. "Many prefer that their preferences stay a secret."

Sanji looked at him dangerously.

"Most of these closeted individuals tend to overreact when it comes to women. Put on a big show about how much they love women, fawning over them and their every need like a sloppy servant – those are the ones you need to pay attention to," Law advised.

"Your bounty is _how much_?" Sanji snarled, cracking his knuckles as he radiated a murderous aura.

Barbara wrote hastily. "How would you meet your romantic encounters?"

"There is nothing _romantic_ about what he'd described!" Sanji cried in horror.

"The ones that I like I kill their crew, see how much they'd give over if they want their life spared. If they name their price right, those are the ones I take," Law said with a sinister smile. "I kill them afterward to avoid having them talk about my sloppy intimacy skills or lack thereof, and I must mention that I'm _never_ safe about it. What's life living safely when one's already a pirate? Give me all your STD's, I can't die from them. I can cure myself."

"You are one self-absorbed piece of work," Sanji snarled, grabbing hold of his jacket. "What a subject to share with a lady! If you didn't want to do this, you be polite about it!"

"But I must add one more thing – if you do write this novel, please include me with big cock. Mine is actually micro sized."

"That's it! This date is over with! I'm _so sorry_ , I apologize for taking up your time," Sanji said to Barbara, who was writing everything down with a fervent expression. "I'm afraid from experience that this won't get any better."

"Oh, but! Even if it didn’t work out between us," Barbara interrupted, hands out to stop him from ripping Law out of his chair, the former warlord trying to finish his beer, "I do find this subject fascinating! You don't hear of this side of the pirate life, and now that I know it's actually true, it's something I'd love to share with my readers."

"Dedicate your finished novel to me," Law said sweetly, wiping froth from his mouth as he stood up from his chair. He straightened his jacket with a huff, glaring at Sanji while gesturing at him. " _This_ is my latest conquest. He is from the Strawhat crew - !"

Sanji managed to kick him straight out from the restaurant, causing many diners to react in panic. Red faced and horribly embarrassed, Sanji hastily apologized to Barbara, who was writing frantically.

"Please don't take him seriously! That wasn't true!"

"Is this the part where he'd mentioned that many are still in the closet?" she asked him, looking at him hungrily.

"Don't mention me! I'm not involved! I _love_ women, I _live_ for women!"

"Oh, but earlier he said - ! Sir, what is your name? No! Wait! Come back! I need more details!" she cried, gathering her things and giving chase once Sanji fled the restaurant.


	3. Chapter 3

Hours later, he found Law seated in a lawn chair on the Sunny, sunning himself in the tank top and jeans he was wearing earlier. His sunglasses were in place, but his hat was sitting on the table nearby, along with Caesar's heart. He had a pint of beer at his side, something he must've snatched from one of the island's street vendors because it was something Sanji didn't recognize from his kitchen.

Sanji kicked the chair over, gnashing his teeth around his cigarette. "You idiot! You do shit like that again, and I will personally break every bone in your goddamn leg!"

"Just one leg, Blackleg-ya?" Law grunted as he picked himself up, straightening his sunglasses. He frowned at the cook, who was still wearing the waiter uniform. "I assure you, it went very well. My crew regrets their decision."

"Everyone does!" Sanji snarled.

"I thought it went rather well. This one didn't cry. She was rather happy. I'm reviewing the moment to see what I'd done right."

"Are you _trying_ to make them cry?"

"Usually they do."

"This has been a _disaster_! If she writes about this and that slander you left behind, you'll be made a laughing stock," Sanji trailed off, rubbing his temples.

"Hopefully with the details I'd requested," Law chuckled to himself. "That way, everyone will get to know the true me, and not treat me like some piece of hot meat on the grill to salivate over…"

"What's with that lack of confidence?" Sanji asked curiously. "So you have the looks – what's wrong with that?"

"That's all people want from me, Blackleg-ya. They don't want to get to know _me_ , they want to get to know the man that was responsible for my bounty," Law muttered.

Sanji understood immediately. "You had your heart broken, didn't you?"

Law scowled. "No one said anything about that."

"I can hear the words of a man that had his heart played with by someone who was careless with it," Sanji said with a breath of relief. "So you're doing everything it takes to cast some disillusion to protect your very fragile heart – "

"You and I are opposites," Law cut in, facing him with a contemplative look. "You want the attention that I have, and despite your efforts, you cannot get it."

"I get attention," Sanji griped, crossing his arms over his chest tightly. "I get _enough_ attention – I get devotion and loyalty and fan letters- !"

"From _men_."

Sanji kicked the lawn chair up and over the railings. Once they heard it splash out into the sea, Law smirked.

"I assure you, I'm a hit with the ladies more so than I am with men!" Sanji barked at him furiously.

"Tell me – when was there a time when the ladies gave you similar attention?" Law asked curiously. "Because from what I have seen, men trip over themselves in your presence more so than – "

He had to teleport a distance away to avoid the flurry of kicks that came his way. Because he successfully evaded contact, Sanji kicked more furniture out into the sea with a cry of rage, burning with fury. Law let him calm down for a bit, teleporting back down onto the grass while Sanji seethed with heavy breathing.

"We'll be docked here for at least a couple of days, right?"

"Give or take," Sanji mumbled, unclenching his fists as he huffed out smoke.

Thinking about the brief encounter with Barbara, Law looked over the calm sea with a thoughtful expression. An idea popped to mind. What would it feel like to be ignored and respected for something more than just his looks? After brief consideration, he came to a conclusion with a nod.

"Go make it up to our writer friend."

"She had no interest in me," Sanji muttered bitterly. "Her eyes were only for you."

Law held up his hand. " _Shambles_."

Moments later, Sanji realized he was looking down at himself. He was looking at Law's long palms and fingers instead of his own. His stomach rumbled uneasily from mostly alcohol. His feet ached from his shoes, his bladder wasn't happy, and the heat absorbed in Law's earrings tickled his skin. Sanji realized what had happened when he looked at his real self once more, seeing grey eyes blink at him thoughtfully.

" _You idiot_ \- !" Sanji snarled, lunging for him. Law deftly avoided his grasp.

"You have this time to, literally, walk in my shoes," Law said, smacking his lips with a scornful expression. He tasted ash and smoke, so he spit the cigarette out with a cough. He picked up his sword and shouldered it. "Do what you want with it. Just return my body to me in the same way it was given to you with EVERYTHING intact!"

He watched his body spaz out in the way Sanji normally did when he was overexcited, and it was weird to see his own arms and legs flail that way. Law wondered why Sanji's normally brown eyes blinked blue at him, and found it wondrous that his own face – regarded as scary and intimidating and yet super attractive – could look so childishly furious with Sanji's features. It was a mind trip.

"I can't just – _run_ around in _your_ body a-and live your damn life! What are we going to tell the others?" Sanji shouted at him, Law jolting at the sound of his voice being rendered so loudly and belligerently.

"Nothing because I'll fix this before they're aware of it."

Sanji scowled at him, and Law winced.

"Wow. I see what you mean. That face is…rather terrifying," he murmured thoughtfully, grabbing Caesar's heart. He made to grab his hat then reconsidered it regretfully.

"You can't take your security blanket with you," Sanji sneered at him, snatching it from the table and shoving it on. Then he pulled it down around his ears with a sound of outrage. "It's so _hot_ in here! How hasn't your hair fallen out yet?"

Law stared at him, repulsed by his dramatics.

Sanji straightened the hat properly around his head, snarling. At a loss of words, Law headed towards the kitchen and Sanji stared after him with dismay. He had to adjust to all these new feelings that came with a new body – Nami's had been considerably weaker than his, but she at least had boobs for him to admire. He was just in another man's body that he'd constantly scoffed at because it was ridiculously skinny, but he was surprised to feel so much power and agility in it. Law was stronger than Sanji had thought.

"You drank a ton of beer and I'll have to piss! Which means I'll have to touch your damn _penis_!" he shouted with horror. "You micro-dicked freak! _Shit_!"

"I don't think the others across the island heard you, so shout louder," he heard his voice call from the kitchen, and Sanji reddened, covering his mouth with both hands as he glanced around for someone that may have overheard him.

He kicked out to examine the flexibility then shouted with alarm when a cramp hit him, his leg stopping short tightly. But the most important thing about this body was that he could go correct Barbara's assumptions about him. Sanji was sure he could find her if he went looking, and he had the rest of the day and the next to do it.

Panicked that she could be writing something with what she had been given right now, he hurried off the boat.

Hours later, Law felt the approach of someone climbing onto the boat. It was weird how he could immediately sense the presence of a hungry person, and he reveled in the knowledge of that feeling before acknowledging that there was _someone on the boat_. He realized that it was one of the Strawhats, and felt irritated that one of them would come back. This experiment was supposed to be only between himself and the cook, without interference from the others while they were on the island.

He sat up from the couch and hurried to the kitchen, unsure of where to start to find an appropriate snack for the visitor. Then he realized he would have to 'act' like Sanji in order to keep the others from knowing what was happening. If they were to know he'd switched bodies just because he was feeling someway after a date…

Well, he was sure a Strawhat would never forget.

He found a loaf of bread in the cabinet and some sandwich meat in the refrigerator just as the doors opened.

Zoro walked in with a bored expression and Law straightened up from the counter – _damn bread ties_! – to look at him.

"Ew, what's wrong with your face?" Zoro asked, making one of his own. "Did I just catch you jerking off?"

Law gave him a confused look. "No, of course not. It's still day light out."

Zoro paused in mid-step, looking puzzled.

"Fucktard," Law added, just in case he didn't sound _Sanji e_ nough.

"You drinking?" Zoro asked suspiciously.

"I wish."

Zoro continued to stare at him doubtfully. "What's wrong with your eyes?"

"Cataracts."

"All this time you can't see things?"

Law closed his eyes with exasperation. "What are you doing here?"

"Not that it matters, but I got bored," Zoro said with a sigh, venturing to the counter. "So I came back early. The trip took a lot out of me, so where's the alcohol you've been drinking?"

"You were _lost_."

"I wasn't _lost_ ," Zoro said, exasperated as he seated himself, setting his swords aside. "Quit talking shit all the time."

"Then go back. I'm busy," Law said, indicating the cake nearby. Zoro studied it with a cross frown.

"Looks stupid. What's the occasion?"

"It does look stupid," Law had to agree, looking over the icing flowers and decorations with disdain. Zoro looked at him so Law said hastily, "I mean, this one didn't meet up to my expectations. I'll just throw it out."

He realized Zoro's aura had taken on a different feeling, and he sneaked a look at him to see the swordsman glaring at him, tense.

"Unless you want it…"

"What is wrong with you?" Zoro asked low.

"There is nothing wrong with me," Law snapped back, slapping the loaf down in front of him, meat shoved in haphazardly atop of it. Zoro froze at the sight of this. "Eat and get out of my kitchen."

He dared not swallow when one of Zoro's swords fit neatly against his Adam's Apple, and the narrowed eye was promising a quick slice if Law swallowed.

" _Who_. Are. You?"

"Marimo," Law said clumsily, "if you don't remove this sword from my person, you will be removed from this ship. Now take your shit and get out while I contemplate this dumb ass cake."

After some tense seconds, Zoro lowered his sword to the counter and tilted his head. "Why'd you guys switch bodies?"

"Was it that obvious?" Law asked with a disappointed frown.

Zoro frowned at him, certain that the surgeon of death wasn't _that_ dumb. "So where is he?"

"On a mission to find a lady."

"Oh. _Ew_ ," Zoro muttered with a disgusted expression. "He couldn't get any so you took pity on him and gave him your body to help him with?"

"Yes," Law said, sure it was just the same as the truth.

Zoro stared at him with such an expression that Law wasn't sure how to interpret it. He was sure there was pity there, but also revulsion, curiosity and puzzlement as well.

"This entire situation is so _sad_. Gimme that bottle in the bottom right corner, there. I won't say a thing for the rest of the night."

"That was easy," Law said with relief.

"Gimme another and tell him that you drank it all to avoid a spaz out. You guys were trying to keep this a secret, so you might as well as make it my while to help you keep it," Zoro said with a satisfied smirk.

"Have you heard of this thing called 'cirrhosis'?" Law asked, looking for the bottles Zoro was pointing at.

"That's where butterflies hatch from, right?"

Law slowly placed both bottles onto the counter, looking grim. Zoro opened one and took a long pull of it before exhaling with cheer. He slipped away from the counter, grabbing the other bottle. He then left the kitchen to remain true to his word and Law looked around himself, then at the time. What was taking Sanji so long to find Barbara? He hoped nothing else happened while he was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

Sanji had to remain true to his character – after the things Law had told Barbara, he had to find a way to redeem himself and his borrowed body. While he believed Law was only saying these things because the sensitive, fragile little boy in the man's body was hurt by a bad woman (Sanji was sure this person had to be an unidentified Yonkou, because he didn't believe in bad women), he didn't think that slandering one's self with misinformation was the way to go about it. So once he found Barbara, he was going to correct her with Law's "true self" and protect his own reputation as well.

She was hard to find.

And too many people knew Trafalgar Law because once they caught sight of the six foot three man with heart tattoos and a bad attitude, they all happened to look upon him fearfully. Sanji was impressed by the attention – secretly envious. Because his Wanted poster was ridiculous, no one seemed to recognize him at all. And after all the great things he'd done - !

He grit his teeth, slapping at his jeans pockets for his cigarettes. He remembered he'd left them in his own clothes – _his own body_! – but he found a wad of beli so he went in search of cigarettes instead. The vendor cowered a little when he approached.

"Good evening," he greeted, shuddering a little at the sound of Law's voice emerging as his own. "You wouldn't happen to have seen a woman of this height, with long dark hair and eyes, wearing a printed magenta and maroon flower dress wandering by here, have you?"

"Er, ah…no?" the vendor said tentatively, shaking a little. Sanji found his cigarettes and slapped two boxes atop of the counter.

"She's beautiful, carrying a large bag – might have ink on her pretty, perfect face," Sanji continued, remembering every detail. "And her eyebrows quirk this way and – "

"You…fell in love with one of our islanders, sir?" the vendor asked with horror.

"Every damn day!" Sanji said with a sigh, attention caught by the women that were sneaking glances at him as they passed by. He had to return their interest, resting languidly against the counter. " _Ladies_! This day doesn't compare to your beauty! What minerals do you use here to capture that fresh glow? All of you look like voluptuous flowers bursting forth from the dirt to capture the warmth of the sun!"

Everyone's faces froze until Sanji caught himself and straightened up from the counter with a jerk. He scowled forcefully and added, "Is what I _would_ have said if I meant it."

He sobbed a little as he slapped money down, grabbed his cigarettes, and ran from the horrified group gathered on the street.

 _Damn you_! he thought of Law, running with his head down.

Once he reached a cove, he took the time needed to open up a box and withdrew a stick. He lit it then inhaled deeply, eyes nearly crossed with pleasure. Nami's body had rejected the first inhale so it surprised him how smoothly the effects hit him.

"Dirty doctor," he said with a smirk, glaring out at the scene before him. Women caught themselves once they caught sight of him, nearly tripping and fumbling once they recognized who he was. Something strange happened – they fluttered and blushed, eyes twinkling with delight.

Sanji almost veered in that direction to give them more of a taste when he thought he saw Barbara hurrying past some buildings, her attention caught to her paper. He raced after her with a shout, waving an arm. She didn't hear him, and he politely raced around gaping islanders to reach her. Once he made it out onto the sidewalk, he saw with some frustration that she was gone.

"Where are you, my lovely, imaginative little rosebud?" he growled. "Once I find you I will make you fall in love with me - !"

A child began to cry nearby, staring up at him with horror as she stood away from her toys. Sanji looked to her and crouched close, looking panicked.

"I'm so sorry! Here, a little something for your troubles," he said soothingly, digging in his pockets for some rock candy he usually had on hand. But he forgot he wasn't _in_ his body, he wasn't _in_ his clothes, and he ended up pulling out some pills encased in plastic, along with a small bottle of hand sanitizer. He put that aside, grateful for its presence. Looking at the pills he'd found, he saw that they were marked 'A', so he figured they were aspirin Law must take to combat the headaches he gained from Strawhat interaction.

" _What the hell_?" a man exclaimed, dropping bags of groceries while his wife gasped. He quickly picked the child up protectively while Sanji sputtered. "Are you offering my little girl drugs?"

"You sick bastard!" the woman cried in horror.

"No, no, this is aspirin, this is – !"

"She's allergic to aspirin! And here you are, forcing it on her! Filthy pirate!"

"This was all a simple mistake," Sanji tried to explain, standing up with his hands out.

The woman shrieked and tried to protect her little girl. "He's using his Devil Fruit powers on us!"

"No! No!"

" _Help_! Someone! _Pirates_!"

A small crowd gathered with interest, so Sanji hastily turned and ran back the way he'd come. Behind him he heard, "It's Trafalgar Law!"

"The heart stealer!"

"He was trying to steal that girl's heart!"

" _He can take mine_!"

Sanji quickly took cover inside a shop while angry islanders ran past, armed with bats, tools and what looked like a camera. He looked around himself, noting that he'd run into a bookstore. Remembering that Barbara was a writer, he ventured up to the counter, startling an older woman that was flipping through a newspaper.

"I'm looking for fictional adventure novels by a woman named 'Barbara'," he said low. The woman looked at him with a terrified expression. Sanji smiled as sweet as he could, the woman's eyes widening. "Please. I am a _tremendously_ big fan of her works."

"Oh…well then," she said breathlessly, hand to her heart as her lashes fluttered. "Aren't you a handsome man when you smile?"

"These smiles are reserved only for beautiful women such as yourself."

" _Oh_!" she trembled, flushing from head to neck. "Please, I'm just an old grandma…! In my younger days, it would have been a different story, sir! Are you new around these parts?"

"Just visiting. And forget about those younger days – you are just as beautiful today as you possibly were back then. Life has treated you _kindly_ to give you such an amazing smile and a beautiful complexion! I'm sure you have _much experience_ to share with a younger man such as myself," Sanji said smoothly, draping himself over the counter to invade her space. If the woman were a match, she would have burst into flame right then – instead she tittered, hiding her face behind her weathered hands.

"I…I know who you are talking about, let me find her works," she said breathlessly, somehow leaving her chair to wobble away.

 _This is so annoying_ , Sanji thought crossly, scowling. _I've used that line on plenty of beautiful older women and none of them gave me any similar reaction_!

"My, my my. This is a different side to you, Doctor."

Sanji spazzed against the counter with a startled cry at the sound of Robin's voice. She was looking at him with interest, and Sanji climbed over the counter, dropped to the other side and crawled over the back just to put space between them.

"Wi – wi- why – _no_ \- !" He couldn't make himself say anything negative towards her, and quickly raced from the bookstore.

Robin blinked with a startled expression, watching him run from the store with clumsy action. Leaning against the bookshelf she had been browsing, she withdrew her mini-transponder snail from her purse and dialed a number.

"What," came the voice from the other end, the snail replicating Sanji with a bored expression.

Robin pierced together the mystery immediately.

"Hello, cook-san," she said cheerfully. "Is everything okay?"

"It's fine. What do you want?" the snail asked with a scowl.

"I was just thinking of you," Robin said mysteriously.

" _Gross_. You're old enough to be my mom."

"If you want to keep up the pretenses," Robin said, watching the older woman walk back to the counter with a stack of books, looking mystified as she searched for Trafalgar Law, "then you should at least try to replicate cook-san's mannerisms _properly_."

"Whatever are you talking about, Robin _dear_?" the snail asked, eye twitching with the struggle to release the endearment.

Robin laughed, venturing towards the counter and plucking one of the books from the woman's hand. She examined the content with a bewildered expression. "What is the interest to these particular books? You left in such a hurry, you forgot to complete your purchase."

The snail twitched again. "I believe _Law_ was attempting to track down the author responsible for these books."

"Does that 'shitty surgeon' have a crush on this lovely woman?" Robin questioned, noting Barbara's cheerful smile.

"No, dumb ass, I, Sanji- _kun_ , do," the snail said flatly.

Robin tried not to laugh.

"I believe her location is important at this point, so if you could just locate where she lives on the back flap of that book, that would make you an absolute _dear_."

Robin found the information she needed. "Oh, but I'm sure the surgeon will have a problem locating this particular location…it appears she lives 'in the hopes and dreams of all adventure-loving swashbucklers on fantasy island'…"

"Is that nearby?"

She chuckled. "I presume so."

"Well, if you see that bossy dick running around, tell him that. I'm busy. I'm making cake."

"Good luck, surgeon."

"I'm _Sanji-kun_. Out."

Robin looked through a couple of books and pressed a hand to her mouth as she decided to purchase a few of Barbara's biggest hits. "This is going to be interesting."

Once he was a safe distance away, Sanji pressed a hand to his heart, catching his breath. He was horrified that Robin had been there – had she fallen for Law, too? It would be the end of the world if the beautiful archeologist had. He tried to review the moment, to see if the expression she'd been wearing while addressing him had been flirtatious. And if so, how long was this going on? Right underneath his notice? This was simply unacceptable!

"This is _bullshit_!" he snarled, crouching against the wall with his fists clenched. "There is nothing redeemable about this character! All he has is his looks! He doesn't even like people, he says the most rotten things, and unlike me, is proud of his micro-dick!"

He huffed, glaring out at the brick wall ahead of him. He registered his bladder crying out for relief, but he was so strongly reluctant against a bathroom break. Maybe he should return to Sunny to have Law switch them back so Law could take care of his own business. But he felt it was unreasonable because he was _thisclose_ to finding Barbara, and if he gave it up now, he'd probably lose her once she sat down to begin writing.

With a heavy sigh, he rose from his position and searched for a safe place to relieve himself. He found an empty space between trash piles and some wooden pallets so he unzipped. He squeezed his eyes tight with a grimace and wiggled his fingers with trepidation, struggling to find the strength needed to handle another man's dick. Electricity caused his arms to spaz out, and noises of horror and indignation to leave his tightly held mouth.

He panted noisily, drudging up the nerve needed to pee and finally reached into obscenely tight underwear to find what he was looking for.

He cried out with horror, dancing from foot to foot. "No, no no no no no no no! _NO_! Horrible! _Wretched_! This is a sin against me! _Why_? What have I done to deserve this? Haven't I always been a good boy?"

Humming with continued angst, Sanji then steadied himself against the wall. Humming turned to sniveling as he finally relieved himself, the relief spreading like weightless heat throughout his entire body. He hung his head back.

"This is so _humiliating_!" he half sobbed. "This isn't want I was meant for! This is so unfair! I take it all back! All of it!"

He finished up, sobbed as he put his dick back and zipped up. As he was using the hand sanitizer, it took him a few moments to realize that there was still a pissing sound in the air. He froze. He had to touch himself to make sure it wasn't him. Sanji opened his eyes, saw movement in his peripheral vision then looked over to see Luffy and Ussop staring up at him with perplexed faces as they took their time to relieve themselves against the same wall. He snapped the hand sanitizer shut and slid it back into his pocket.

"Wow, Traffy," Luffy said with heavy concern, "if it hurts to pee, maybe you should go see somebody."

"I don't know," Ussop commented shakily, "I don't know if it's that, or if you have some pent-up trauma from having to touch yourself. That was a lot of angst on display, there."

Sanji stared down at them with horror icing his veins. They looked away uncomfortably, occupied with pissing. A minute passed and both teens cleaned up sloppily by wiping their hands on their shirts before looking back up at him, adjusting underwear and shorts back into place.

Luffy narrowed his eyes. "You're just going to watch dudes pee, Traffy?"

"That's really weird," Ussop said.

"I'm not watching you," Sanji said slowly, "but it's come to my understanding that when I tell you to properly wash your hands before you eat, it's obvious that you don't."

Ussop shrank behind Luffy while Luffy looked extremely puzzled. "But you never tell us to wash up," Luffy stated.

"Never mind what's happening to me," Sanji snarled, feeling his blood pressure rise, Ussop scurrying off hastily, "what's happened here is an indication that you idiots have come to the dinner table without washing your goddamn hands correctly!"

"We're pissing in the _streets_ , Traffles. _Where_ are we going to wash our hands?" Luffy asked with a helpless laugh, resuming looking at him with a perplexed expression. "You sound a lot like Sanji right now. And…I've never seen you smoke."

Sanji spit out his cigarette. "You saw me sanitizing my hands just now. Why did you not ask for a squirt?"

Luffy scoffed, waving it away. "That's a Sanji thing. If he's not here then how's he going to know?"

Sanji's face filled with red, eyes bugging with fury. "You little _shit_. Bringing your pee stained hands to my fucking table."

Luffy quickly evaded his outstretched hands with a startled shriek.

"On the cook's behalf, I will punish you! I will punish you hard and furiously!"

"When did that start?" Luffy cried, racing out from the alley with Sanji hot on his heels. Ussop shrieked again, racing off in the other direction. " _No fair_! You allied with _me_ , not with Sanji!"

"All these lies! _Deceptions_! I will _murder_ you! All the meals in the past where you've come to my table with - !" Sanji cut himself off, catching sight of a woman with long dark hair and a maroon dress. He immediately veered off into that direction with Luffy crashing into a horse drawn carriage with a sound of dismay. Ussop caught himself to peer around a street light pole to see Law running in the other direction. He wasn't sure who the surgeon of death was targeting, but that expression on his face looked something similar to a man caught in the throes of desperation. Near similar to the way Sanji chased after a pretty woman to get her attention.

It gave him goosebumps. He shivered, Luffy noisily pulling himself out from the wreckage.

"I was _thisclose_ to popping him silly," Luffy threatened, looking for Law.

"Then why didn't you?" Ussop asked curiously.

Luffy blinked a few times then shivered. "I don't know! He reminded me of Sanji! But who does he think he is, playing Sanji-police and trying to scare me?"

"That was really weird, man," Ussop commented, wiping sweat from his face. "It almost seemed like it wasn't Traffy at all. He was too…animated!"

Luffy rubbed his chin suspiciously. "Like someone wearing his skin."

"Bon Clay?"

" _Bon Clay_!" Luffy shouted jovially. "Let's go look for him! That's my buddy, 'Sop! We go way back!"

"If you guys were friends, then why would he run away?"

Luffy paused to consider this, then looked around for any sign of Law. With a determined look to his face, he said, "Let's go ask him."

Meanwhile, Law poked at the seven tiered cake.

"Where's my name?" he grumbled, frowning at the sight of Robin's and Nami's names imprinted into the layers with hearts and flowers. He found the bag of icing that Sanji was using earlier and squished it between his hands, getting the feel of it. He ended up squishing out a large load of icing onto the cake, which flopped noisily onto a couple of the tiers before spilling onto the floor. He used the bottom of his shoe to clean it but ended up smearing it into the wood. His foot slipped and he ended up sliding most of his lower torso underneath the support frame that held the cake in place.

Panicked, his arms shot out to get support from the nearby counter but he had to pause in place – once he recognized how flexible his body was, positioned in such a dangerous spot, he was amazed at Sanji's sheer ability to remain upright. Carefully, he slid himself out from underneath the cake and straightened up. Curious to see just how flexible the man was, he lifted a leg and was surprised to bring it directly to his shoulder without any strain.

 _Is he made of rubber, too_? he wondered with amazement. He ended up looking down at his crotch, furrowing his brow. After some moments, he shrugged. 

_For medical purposes_ , he thought, touching himself. _Yep. It's all there_.

Zoro cleared his throat out of consideration. Law lowered his leg and crossed his arms while the swordsman looked tremendously embarrassed.

"It's not what you think," Law said slowly.

"I don't know what to think," Zoro agreed. He gave an awkward expression. "I came in here for something but…"

Law looked at him suspiciously as the swordsman turned and walked away.

 _You can't get anything done in here, can you_? he thought to himself, refocused on the cake in front of him. He thought to smear the icing back into place when the transponder snail began ringing in the corner, so he set the knife aside and ventured over to it.

"What," he said, looking crossly at the face that emerged.

" _Cook-san_ ," Robin said with some mirth, "I found your author. Would you like her address?"

"Not really. There are hundreds of women across this world I can lay my appreciation on, what's the point of wasting my attention onto one?"

"It seemed very important to find her."

" _Law_ wanted to find her, not I."

"Perhaps you can pass the message along to him?"

"Why should I? It's not of any importance to me whether or not she is found."

"I see. Well, I suppose it wouldn't be of any concern to you, _Sanji-kun_ , because I've read into her works. She's very expressive."

 _I really don't care_ , Law thought with impatience.

"Very interested in romantic relationships amongst…pirates."

"Is there a point to this conversation?"

"It appears she enjoys writing very memorable fan fiction about living human beings."

"Yes, she admires them, so what?"

Robin cleared her throat. "Well, Sanji- _kun_ , I'd hate to break it to you but she's of the male slash male fan fiction. Very descriptive, very…detailed."

Law furrowed his brow. _So, she_ does _write snuff fiction_ , he thought, getting the wrong idea.

"I'd thought that would be troublesome for you…Sanji-kun."

"I don't care if she writes that stuff. What's wrong with that? Let her express herself freely – this world is free for a reason."

Robin cleared her throat delicately, but ended up chuckling. "Cook-san…if you don't mind – "

"I do mind, terribly, about this pointless conversation. This is… _Law's_ …problem, not mine."

"Okay."

Hanging up, Law huffed as he frowned down at the snail. _Women_ , he thought scornfully. _Always looking for a chance to talk down on other women_.


	5. Chapter 5

"I've found you," Sanji said triumphantly, looking down at Barbara while nearly vibrating with joy and relief. But he held himself rigidly, arms crossed tightly to keep his impulses under control. She gaped up at him with fright, holding onto her papers over her chest. Though his face twitched with effort to maintain Law's level of stoic grumpiness, Sanji felt he was doing a pretty good job of maintaining the illusion that he was Law.

Barbara felt something had changed since her "date" hours earlier with the former warlord, because he'd removed his contacts, his face lost that scowling rigidity and there was something foolish about the way his angrily held jaw twitched to hold himself back. There was something _off_ about his appearance that included his voice, so she had the imagination to think that he'd been body snatched somehow…

She bit her lower lip with some trepidation because even if she were able to tell that _something_ had happened, Trafalgar Law was still an intimidating man.

An intimidatingly _good_ looking man. With a heartfelt insecurity hanging over his reluctance to make eye contact…with so much angst pouring out from him that it tugged her womanly instincts to think that there had to be _someone_ out there to comfort him…someone strong and secure and extroverted…someone just as _manly_ …

She wiped her mouth.

"I'm here," she whispered nervously, trying to keep the tremor from her voice. "I was unaware you were looking for me."

Law's eye twitched, his fingers clenching tightly underneath his armpits. He was struggling to hold himself back – from what? Killing her? Ripping her precious writing from her arms, to take back the careless things he'd spilled in the restaurant? Her arms tightened in response as she swallowed noisily. She could always write it again but she had to put effort into protecting her first draft because it had been written emotionally, and she needed to keep those things to present an interest-catching first chapter.

"What was shared at the restaurant…" he cleared his throat, looking away for a moment. Barbara was in awe of his thick, dark eyelashes – how many men had admired them when they were clutching each other in throes of passion? Her own lashes fluttered with the thought.

 _Please be a top_ , she inwardly begged.

"Must not be shared with anyone else," he finished thickly, struggling to speak. Barbara wondered why it was taking this effort to maintain such strength – she immediately had the thought that perhaps he was protecting his lover, who was possibly still in the closet. He'd mentioned "Strawhats", the most infamous of the pirates on the New World seas – with such a big name combined with his, it could possibly cause some potential danger and she had to hold back a squeal of moe because it made _sense_!

"I plan on changing names, locations," she said thickly, looking up at him with apprehension. Her entire body trembled at the thought of this man doing what it took to protect his most precious secrets. "It won't even be similar to your personality or story – which is known of it."

"It's not his – it's not _mine_ that I'm most worried about," Law said gravely. "You may embellish every detail of his – _of mine_ that you wish. The bigger, the better – it does not matter. But to detail any mention of…my, er, _acquaintance_ …that would be…catastrophic."

Barbara's eyes widened as her heart slammed against her chest with rising emotion.

" _Why_?" she asked breathlessly, writing fingers trembling with the need to get this emotion, this detail, this concern onto paper. "It's true, then?"

"NO!" Law barked out in a panic, then his tattooed hands found their way into his hair, dislodging his hat with distress. Barbara panicked – _she couldn't breathe_ – she was being smothered by her moe - !

"No, it's not," he said, voice breaking slightly. She exhaled shakily, ink stained fingers finding their way to her mouth. This man had so much pent-up emotions for his obviously treasured lover that she thought she was going to _die_. "That man is just a friend, a – a well-known lover of women, who can't hold himself back from appreciating them –"

Her heart could not stop racing – he was obviously trying to embellish the story so that his lover remained safe and protected in his sheltered closet because his name carried so much influence while associated with the popular Strawhats – she would _die_ for this pairing.

"He lives only for breathing in women, and die suffocating under their beauty. They need – his protection and attention, and only he can give it to them right. So…it's imperative that his name not be included in any…manuscript."

"To protect him," Barbara breathed in agreement, Law looking at her with some confusion. "I mean…yes, I understand."

"Any association with Law – with _me_ ," Law stressed, fumbling under his words and causing Barbara to crinkle her brow with consideration, "can be considered less than one percent. I…am a man, so I fail to catch his fancy."

Barbara gasped. _Trafalgar Law pined after this man secretly_!

Law looked at her sharply.

"I understand!" she said, reaching out to touch his tattooed arm with support. She glowed with utter joy and emotion, absorbing everything into this conversation to put away for later. She would not give away the Strawhats' crew members description, but she will write a love story worthy of theirs.

Smiling tentatively, she added, "He is to be protected."

"Well, no, he protects himself well, he doesn't need anyone's interference in that area," Law said, patting her hand with one of his. "But thank you for thinking of me – o _f him_ in that way – it shows a lot of consideration to someone as fine and amazing as he."

 _Big palms, big fingers_! she observed with wide eyes. _That can only mean one thing_! _He can cradle men's faces tenderly and gently while loving them_!

"Anything you write about me is fine – the more evil, the more frightening – that would be helpful. But pairing him with men as he stated – that's, uh, maybe that should be kept to yourself as well," Law continued, not noticing his slip. But Barbara did. "Because if that should leak out to the world, my reputation would be ruined. I would be challenged constantly by those thinking that I'm a weakling simply because I'd rather love than fight."

She withdrew her hand.

"But of course, I love a good argument," he added quickly. "And my hands are fast, it's not like I'll be in any danger. I just could not take the hassle of being challenged by other men who…catch my fancy."

He cleared his throat noisily.

Barbara nodded, clutching her papers tightly. _I've got more than enough material to use_ , she told herself.

She ripped it all up, letting it flutter to the street. He broke into a huge smile of relief that it changed his face.

"These dates that you insist are of your crew's doing," she said slowly, "it's not something you want?"

"Not particularly. They do it because they worry about me."

 _They're trying to protect his secret by continuing with the image of a lady killer_! Barbara realized, cheeks glowing with passion.

"But I'll probably most likely die alone somewhere, after some misdeeds," Law muttered with a roll of his eyes. "With the way I'm going, with the company I keep – "

"The STD's," Barbara mentioned as she remembered their earlier conversation.

"…Yes. Most likely…STD related…not…probably not by…because he's a ladies' man, too! I mean, I am! Look at me, I'm gorgeous, right? I can get any woman I want, what do I need with _men_?" he scoffed, indicating himself.

Barbara had never met such a closeted individual, but she was certain that whatever was happening here was something she was sure was related to a forbidden love. Her nostrils were flaring as she continued to stare up at him.

Law smirked. He reached out and touched her chin. 

"Make it right," he said, giving it a little squeeze. Barbara's moe exploded as she vividly imagined him saying that exact same thing to some dainty male lover, and she swooned right into his arms.

 _I hate this guy_ , Sanji thought bitterly, catching her. _He's not even here and he's annoying the shit out of me. No matter what he says women fall for, and he just doesn't appreciate it._

Someone from the street shrieked noisily, causing him to startle as he hefted her into his arms, intending on finding a soft area to lay her down. He looked over to see Caesar Clown, Nami, and Brook standing there, looking at him with horror. It was Brook that had shrieked.

"What are you doing, nimrod?" Nami asked cautiously.

"He's obviously taking his prey to some dark spot to suck the blood out of!" Caesar cried. "Help! Vampire! _Somebody_! Get your wooden stakes!"

"Shut up!" Nami snarled, knocking him to his knees. As he cowered, Nami barked at Sanji, "You put that girl down right now! What's _wrong_ with you? Are you an idiot? You can get any woman you want and you choose to terrorize some poor girl in a dark alley!"

Sanji sputtered, hurrying out from the alley with an unconscious Barbara. Brook noticed that the woman's nose was bleeding. All of them failed to notice the happy smile on her lips.

" _He struck her_!" he gasped with horror, then reached for his rapier. "Soulless trash! Raising your ugly hands onto a woman?"

Sanji saw this, dancing with panic. Nami's eyes nearly bugged out of her head as Caesar looked up sullenly.

"It's not what you think!" Sanji exclaimed, Brook lunging towards him.

"I may be old and dead, but I'll treat you to a painful death for daring to hurt a woman!" he shouted.

With a small whine, Sanji tossed Barbara towards him, forcing Brook to catch her. Then he darted off back the way he came, Nami looking after him with a bewildered expression. Even Caesar had to look confused.

"Why was he running like Sanji?" Nami questioned, drawing out her transponder snail and dialing a number.

The snail glared at her with one eye, and she understood immediately, her expression darkening.

"I'm really fucking busy with this cake."

"Oh, _Sanji-kun_!" she said lightly, while Brook attempted to revive Barbara, "I was just thinking about how you and I could enjoy a drink and the pool to ourselves, tonight! Swimsuits optional!"

The snail looked at her suspiciously. "How is that more important than cake?"

She gripped the receiver tightly. "You sneaky, calculating piece of a shitty magician – what are you and Sanji up to?"

"Whatever do you mean? I am here, baking. All day. The swordsman can verify this."

"Don't lie! I just ran into you here on the street!"

"I don't understand. I, Sanji-kun, have been here all day."

Nami rolled her eyes as Barbara started to come around. "Whatever. I'm going to ask this poor, bleeding woman what was happening. Whatever the stupid surgeon of death, who runs like a pansy, wanted with this gorgeous, pretty young lady had better be about money and not something stupid."

"It was," the snail replied with a scowl.

"You shitty guest! Stop pretending you're Sanji because you're obviously not - ! We're coming back to the ship tonight, and we're going to get the full story!"

"Let me see your panties."

Nami hung up as the dry request, combined with the snail looking off into another direction with an irritated expression, sent her investigative feelers up into the air. Caesar looked at her with confusion as she crouched next to Barbara, Brook gently offering his handkerchief to her.

"Honey, what happened? Did the big ugly man scare you?" Nami asked, Barbara fumbling with the offered material.

"No," she said, blinking at the orange-haired woman crouched in front of her. Her obscenely small bikini top did nothing to hold her large chest, and Barbara touched her own chest with concern. "Everything is fine."

"What was said? Was he threatening you? We came upon the scene just as you'd fainted, so he must've done or said something disgusting."

Barbara recognized the woman – it was Nami of the Strawhat crew. She truly was as beautiful and sexy in person as she was on her Wanted poster. Barbara's head swam with sparkles and hearts as the woman peered down at her, two goofy looking characters standing behind her to provide some sort of support. Barbara was star-struck – she was in the presence of a celebrity!

But she realized the question, and realized what a scene she must have made.

 _I must protect his secret by all costs_! she thought with determination. She looked to Nami. "I merely fainted," she said softly, embarrassment flushing her features. "He's so gorgeous up close."

Caesar scoffed, golden eyes rolling.

Nami's eyes made a full rotation. "Right, well, maybe don't take it personally, honey. He's like that with all the women."

"Oh, I'm sure he is," Barbara murmured, pushing to her feet with Brook assisting her. She had to get home. She had to write this love story! "But his reasons are logical…"

Nami furrowed her brow. She couldn't understand why Sanji's womanizing could be considered "logical". Why he and Law switched didn't make sense right now, but she would find the answer.

"Because he's a sad, lonely and overbearing loser?" she asked on a droll. "He tries too hard, and it backfires."

Barbara looked at her with shock, then looked indignant. "He's not a loser! If you chose to actually speak with him, he's actually a very nice man! He just has a lo – well, mostly reputation to protect!"

Nami laughed.

"Now, thank you. If you'll excuse me, I need to get home," Barbara said, turning and hurrying off.

"I don't understand, Nami," Brook said, scratching at his skull. "Why the call back to Sunny? Obviously Sanji was there, baking."

Nami looked at him with exasperation. "You really believe that was Sanji I was talking to?"

"Of course! He asked to see your panties, which is something he’d say!"

"Even if he does say shit like that within the privacy amongst you guys, he doesn't do so to my face! We're going back to the ship. Law and Sanji are up to something nefarious," Nami muttered, brushing off her legs. She reached over and tugged Caesar to his feet, his hands still bound behind him. "You too, goat! You were no help today!"

"Well, I don't know _why_ you bothered asking my opinion on whether certain makeup lines are cruelty free when you can just read the labels yourself!" Caesar complained. "And we have a nice hotel paid for! Are we just going to ignore it?"

"We still got some time," Nami said. "We're just going to return to the ship to see what's going on. We need to find out why this woman is so important for Law and Sanji to switch bodies for – and if I learn that it's for a disgusting reason, _every_ one is getting killed, and _I_ will be captain of this damn ship."

"Impressive goals, Nami-san!" Brook gasped, looking at her with awe. "May I be your First Mate?"


	6. Chapter 6

"I found her and corrected your mistakes," Sanji said with relief, slamming the galley doors open and marching in. 

Law straightened up from the cake, icing sloshing out from the bag in his hands as he looked up with surprise.

Sanji saw immediately what he was doing as he ripped Law's hat off and tossed it aside. " _My cake_! What the fuck have you been doing to it? You ruined it!"

Law snapped at him, "Stop doing that with my voice!"

"You covered up their names?" Sanji asked with outrage, seeing that Law had written his name over Robin's and Nami's names.

"I did an amazing job for my first time," Law said, looking satisfied as he looked over the work he'd done. He had Sanji's blond fringe pinned up atop of his head with some chopsticks, Sanji staring at him with horror. "Oh, by the way, Blackleg-ya, those women called here with questions, but I was able to convince them I was you."

Sanji closed his eyes with dread. Clearly, Trafalgar Law did not know the Strawhat Crew as well as he thought he did. His legs bowed, hands to his face as his horror and dread consumed him. Law made a revolted expression, seeing his own body demonstrate an overdramatic expression. 

"Oh, god…they _know_ …if it was just them that called, you can bet your skinny ass that they figured it out immediately! It's the other idiots living on this ship that would fall for your inexcusably bad acting!"

"I was absolute perfection," Law argued, looking insulted. "If anyone guessed our secret, it was because of you."

"I was absolutely _you_ in every way," Sanji snapped back, lighting up a cigarette. "What pissed me off about this whole thing was how women fell at your feet!"

"Kicking them helps create a clear path."

Sanji shook him, icing spurting out as Law clutched the bag with startled action. "You do not lay a hand on a female! It's against everything I believe in!"

"Blackleg-ya, let's be serious, here," Law said, shoving him aside and wiping his hands on the apron he wore. "Were you able to convince her not to write this book?"

"She understood that my name was not to be included."

"Because Robin-ya called and mentioned she'd purchased the books you left behind. She, indeed, writes snuff fantasy fiction about pirates."

Sanji gave him a startled look, hands fisting up in his jeans pockets. He exhaled slowly, trying to process the details. "Really? But she's so innocent and perfect – how can she be capable of writing that horror show?"

"Robin-ya said male slash male fan fiction was her forte," Law reported gravely. "I understand I am the perfect subject for these things, but if you were to be mentioned…I'm sure it'd hurt your reputation. So it's good you were able to locate her and stop her."

Hand to his heart, Sanji looked ill. Law looked at him with disgust.

"Women are capable of evil, Blackleg-ya, you are just deliberately blind to it."

"It shocks me that such a beautiful face is…but she took to my request rather well. I guess it helped that I was wearing _this_ ," Sanji said with disgust, gesturing to his borrowed body. "So could I have myself back?"

"Tell me every word that was exchanged in this conversation," Law asked, setting the icing bag aside. "Because I am fairly positive you gave her the wrong idea."

"You dare question my methods, ass?" Sanji snarled at him. "I was every bit of you, saving _my_ reputation!"

Law gave him a skeptical look. "With your actions in the presence of a woman, I worry about that."

" _Whatever_ , the point is, my mission is complete. She won't write the book. I even tried to speak for you as well, because what a thing to say! You enjoy the comfort of men? How is that going to look amongst the others of this generation?"

"Most women are revolted by that, and I thought it worked at the time. And screw what the others think of me," Law said with confidence. "I could use it as psychological warfare against them in the race for the One Piece."

"Why sabotage yourself?" Sanji asked in exasperation, leaning against the counter. He put out his cigarette on the nearby ashtray. "You can have literally anybody you wanted, and yet you refuse to cooperate with your crew's efforts to help you find true love!"

"Love is a joke, a waste of time."

Sanji rolled his eyes.

"Also," Law added pulling out the chopsticks, combing it down the way Sanji liked, "when I question someone, I like to make a big show of it. But I'm surprised you've returned here with blood on your clothing after talking to a woman."

Sanji looked down at his yellow tank top, seeing the smear on his chest. He gasped, turning pale as horror overtook him. " _I've killed her_!"

"Well, blame it on me, I don't mind."

"I've done something nefarious to a precious, sweet woman!" Sanji cried, dropping to his knees in despair.

Law smirked down at him, reaching down to pat his head. Which reminded him, he needed to shampoo his hair thoroughly this time. "You're one step closer to my reputation."

"Don't say that!" Sanji snapped at him, tossing his hand away. He then caught sight of a troubling detail while in this pose, scowling heavily. "Your zipper's down."

"Oh. Damn it, that's embarrassing," Law muttered, reaching down to fix it.

"It's caught on my damn underwear – what is wrong with you idiots and zippers? Which reminds me, those guys - !"

"It's _your_ dick, _your_ underwear, fix it yourself!"

"Gah, that's right! Let me do this! You haven't touched me in any unnecessary way, have you?"

"You're as dry as the Alabasta desert, Blackleg-ya – no worries."

"Then _why is it down_?"

"Hmm, this is a mystery…"

Sanji tugged and separated material with a snarl, hoping Law hadn't done anything wrong to his body while he was away. Law looked up to see Zoro standing there, the swordsman’s face filled with shock. Law signaled for the swordsman to walk away without Sanji noticing, to indicate that this wasn't of any wrong idea.

Zoro could not believe the gall of the surgeon of death – looking him straight in the eyes while Sanji struggled with his zipper.

Sanji grunted as he managed to succeed, zipping him up. "There. And if you tell anybody about this…"

"Why would I mention that you were only _fixing my zipper_?" Law said pointedly to Zoro over Sanji's bent head as Sanji then properly fixed his shirt and apron. Zoro's mouth dropped open.

"Absolutely no one should catch any wind of what's happening between us," Sanji insisted, straightening away from him. "I'd rather not get caught like this."

Zoro quietly backed away, making his escape just as Sanji turned his head, sensing a presence. Seeing no one standing there, he looked to Law, who was wearing a rather amused smirk.

" _What_."

"Nothing, Blackleg-ya. Anyway, about this conversation you've had with our Barbara – "

"She does not deserve you! It should've been _me_ that took your spot!" Sanji hit his chest with the back of his hand. "We should've switched like this before that – I would've made sure you had a great date with something to look forward to the next time you two met."

"That doesn't make any sense. She'd surely notice something was different. I don't need your help."

"I can coach you, y'know," Sanji then said, slinging an arm around Law – _himself_ \- and making a face. He sniffed deeply, smelling his own cigarette smoke, cologne and skin. Law looked discomforted being sniffed at by his own damn body. "Wow, I need a shower. Switch us back. We're done here."

"Blackleg-ya," Law started to say, blushing a little, "you're too close."

"This is MY body! This belongs to me!"

"Please, not in the kitchen where people could see us!"

"No one is here," Sanji snarled at him, gripping his tie.

"But _I_ am here," Robin interrupted as she looked the scene over, holding onto some books.

Sanji paled, whirling around to see her. He shoved Law away, the man flying into the cake and knocking it over. "It's not what you think!" he gasped, reddening from face to neck. "Robin, _please_ , try and understand the situation!"

"Ah, cook-san, it's unnerving how you speak to me in that voice while wearing that face," Robin said with concern.

Sanji remembered his horror from earlier, hand to his chest. Then he touched himself more thoroughly, belatedly wondering if this body even had its heart intact.

"It's there," Law told him dryly, wiping cake from his clothes. "It just doesn't feel as you do."

"Robin," Sanji continued, ignoring him as he ventured over to her, "please…answer me this…you haven't fallen for this swine's sweet nothings, have you? He's nothing but a scoundrel and a hater of love! He'll just use and mistreat you - !"

Robin laughed. "There is nothing of the sort! I'm old enough to be your mother!"

"Thank heavens," Sanji whispered, wiping his forehead. He then wore a puzzled look. “You and I aren’t separated by that big of an age gap...”

"But I am at that stage where younger men _are_ more satisfying," Robin added thoughtfully, Sanji looking back at her with horror. "I might look, though, I won't lie."

" _Don't look_ ," Sanji begged. "Not at this one!"

"She pretty much admitted she does," Law muttered, making an ill face. "To think I walked around here shirtless, feeling free and unviolated – "

Sanji was immediately in his face, and Robin was absolutely fascinated by the display before her. "You'll not do it again! Secretly inviting everyone to look at you, strutting around like this is your private bedroom - !"

"Way to blame the victim!" Law snapped at him, absently covering his – Sanji's – chest with both hands. He looked panicked. "Your navigator has probably added money to a debt I suddenly accumulated here every time she sneaked a peek."

Sanji gaped at him, mind racing furiously to see if he'd noticed Nami looking Law's way – the thought filled him with such horror that his gut wrenched, and his heart stuttered. To think his precious sea angel was tempted by this rotten man's bare body – he had all those tattoos for a damn reason! Sanji was filled with the temptation to use a knife to peel off those markings just so no one could look at Trafalgar Law's bare torso again.

Robin covered up a laugh with a cough. Seeing Sanji's face broken up into a troubled expression with Law's arms delicately hugging himself – both strong men capable of fantastic physical feats – caused a flutter of amusement to build up within her.

"You two," she interrupted their inner torment gently, drawing their attention, "surely all of this was well worth the effort."

"Well, I did accomplish my goal," Sanji admitted wearily.

"I didn't get anything out of it," Law said with a sigh. "This personally hadn't affected me at all."

"Thank you, doctor, for allowing Sanji his whims," Robin said to him gratefully.

"These weren't whims," Sanji said morosely.

"He rarely asks for anything, and our crew is indebted to him for so many things. We were starting to feel very selfish with how much we demanded from him. You did a very good thing."

Law grunted in response while Sanji looked at Robin with bewilderment.

"I _told_ you." Zoro's voice interrupted the moment, causing the trio to look over to the doors and seeing the swordsman standing there, along with Luffy and Ussop.

"How much do you know?" Sanji asked murderously, fingers curled up in one of Law's familiar hand motions while Law frowned heavily.

"They were up to something weird," Zoro added suspiciously. "Admittedly, I don't know details but I'd seen enough."

"So it _is_ true," Luffy said slowly, eyes wide with amazement. "You two did that _shambles_ thing! Here I'd convinced myself you were actually Bon Clay in disguise, Traffy."

"That takes a _lot_ of questions off my mind!" Ussop laughed with relief. "I was so terrified when I saw you peeing in the alley!"

Sanji shot them Law's scowl of promising death. "This topic I will address with you both later, when I am at my full capacities."

"How unsanitary!" Law muttered with disgust. "When there are restrooms available in various locations."

Sanji turned purple. "Not another word from you, you shitty surgeon! You started this mess!"

"So, cook-san, this wasn't just so you could see yourself from another's eyes and lavish attention onto yourself?" Robin asked with disappointment, thumbing through one of Barbara's books. She was quite confident neither men would confess to the real reasoning of their switch, and decided to continue playing along. "Because, to a woman, that's certainly a very interesting read."

"Really?" Sanji questioned hopefully.

" _Agh_!" Zoro exclaimed at his hope. “That’s so wrong and gross!”

"So…you _are_ Sanji?" Luffy asked him, looking guilty.

"Despite wearing this ugly face, I am," Sanji told him grandly, Luffy cringing.

"Are you still mad about that thing…?"

"Absolutely _furious_!"

"I was so shocked to see what I had earlier," Zoro said, leaning onto Ussop for support, "that now it's starting to make sense. Too much sense. Maybe for my troubles, I'm due a little comfort…"

"Those two bottles weren't enough?" Law asked him with a judgmental expression, Sanji whirling around with a start. He immediately checked the cabinets. "Seriously, Roronoa-ya, your liver is very important. What if you should start dialysis? You realize it will interfere with your worldly goal…"

"Hey, shaddup! I'll cut it out myself if it starts acting up!"

Law believed him, looking at him with horror. Robin tried not to laugh because seeing Sanji's body impersonate very Law-like qualities made the situation so surreal.

" _Marimo_!" Sanji growled, striding towards Zoro. "Those two bottles were to support this ship for at least two weeks! And you finished them both?"

Zoro looked away with an expression of discomfort. "It upsets me to see you growling at me from another man's body."

"Switch us back!" Sanji snarled at Law, whirling around to look at him.

"The point of this was, Blackleg-ya," Law said, crossing his arms to lean against the counter, "was that you see the world through my literal eyes. Have you learned nothing?"

"Oh, I've learned a little _too_ much…"

"This was a lesson?" Robin asked curiously, perking up. "I'm positive cook-san appreciated it."

"Oh, I did," Sanji said, whirling over to her to help take her books from her. Her face froze because the sight of Law's body doing Sanji things was enough for anyone's brain to freeze, "but it's something I'll have to sort through later to find the exact details. I used the opportunity to fix his reputation, and mine, and it was successful."

" _So why am I still in your body_?" Sanji finished, slamming the books down on the table.

"This Barbara was a nefarious person to begin with," Law stated grimly, "I'm afraid I've seen enough of Blackleg-ya's actions these past few minutes to understand that his original mission has failed. I don't doubt for a second that she thought you to be me. More than likely, she will continue on with her work and release a novel of questionable quality."

"I agree indubiously," Robin said gravely.

Sanji faltered, breathing shakily. Then he had his hands out, breathing in short clips to calm himself down.

"I should speak with her myself, prove to her that this character isn't what she thought he was," Law decided.

"You will _not_ , you will make the situation worse," Sanji denied. "You started this in the first place!"

"If you had not interfered, we wouldn't be in this situation."

"I wanted you to succeed! I wanted you to walk away from this feeling like you did something right, to rebuild yourself from the wreckage, and my intentions were pure!"

" _Geh_ , that's such a filthy way of expressing yourself into being some good person."

Luffy was absolutely lost in the conversation, having a hard time following. He exhaled slowly as the pair glared at each other. The longer he looked, the more he realized he could see the characteristics familiar of each man present –Sanji stood and spoke rigidly like Law, and Sanji's wild flailing and expressive face and voice rendered Law's body into some cartoonish presence.

"If you guys were trying to accomplish something, I bet Ussop here a month of his desserts that you failed the shit out of it," Luffy said heavily. "Because now that I'm aware of this, you guys definitely don't act like each other."

"I was spot on!" Sanji snarled at him.

Luffy and Ussop laughed uproariously, and they proceeded to show the others just what they saw in the alley. Due to the content in Robin's presence, he quickly administered some punishment to shut that story down. The pair laid upon the floor with surprisingly large lumps and bruises as Sanji huffed, wiping his hands on his jeans.

"Switch us back," he told Law gravely. "This is done."

Law gave it some consideration, Sanji looking at him, outraged that he'd even take the time to think about it. "Just one more task," he said slowly. "I'd like to walk down one street unrecognized."

Sanji glared at him.

"I find this an easy request to give, cook-san," Robin said gently. "We've all noticed that Trafalgar cannot go anywhere without being gawked at or followed – perhaps he just wants a moment of privacy to enjoy doing simple things without that discomfort."

Zoro laughed noisily. "Because nobody knows who you are, cook!"

"Shut up!" Sanji snarled at him. He huffed, running his fingers through his hair before he found that he had no real qualms about it. "Fine. Just…at least switch us back for tonight. Tomorrow…you can make use of my body."

"Wow, in front of the kids, too," Zoro commented with a scandalized expression, Sanji realizing the implications of his words too late.

Law switched them before Sanji could attack the swordsman, stumbling lightly once he caught himself. Once Sanji realized he was in his own body, he attacked – Zoro's attention was on Law's proximity so when Sanji attacked him he was thrown off guard. Both of them hit the floor noisily, limbs, shouts and threats filling the air.

Law looked to Robin. "Thank you."

"No problem," she said with a wide smile. "This has been fun!"


	7. Chapter 7

That night, Law had one ear on Nami's lecturing and the other plugged with a finger. The navigator had returned to the boat furious at both of them – Law found himself sitting on his knees in front of her while she paced in front of them. The rest of the Strawhat crew was lazying around the ship, caught up in their own activities.

 _Am I a kid_? he thought incredulously, but he actually couldn't get up to leave the lecturing. Sanji was busy adoring her while slathering on the apologies and Law could feel a headache raging so he searched for his aspirin that he had in his jeans pockets.

"And one more thing," Nami added, fist clenched, "I couldn't help but notice that _both_ of you came up with this dumb idea – I want to know if it'll affect the crew in some way?"

"Not really," Sanji said slowly, looking off to the side.

"Most likely," Law said gravely. Sanji slapped his shoulder.

"Expand on that," Nami demanded, facing the older man.

"It turns out that this writer is fond of penning snuff fiction," Law said. "Fantasy dismemberment for sexual fulfillment. And she intends on writing about each and every one of the Strawhats for the entertainment of her countless fans."

Nami looked startled. "For reals?"

" _NO_!" Sanji snapped, giving Law a look of irritation. "She wasn't set on writing such filth – he's only saying this to redirect your focus from us onto her."

"Blackleg-ya," Law said slowly, "do you understand what it means to 'cover for a bro'?"

" _You're not a bro_!"

Nami grit her teeth. “Well, _whatever_ you guys are trying to hide with this one woman – whether this is a strange competition for her hand or attention or what _ever_! Can you just resolve it and get it off our hands and stop doing strange stuff with each other?"

"Nami," Sanji pleaded, "this isn't a competition! It's obvious I was only trying to step in to fix a broken situation."

"And that required Law's body to do it?" she asked skeptically.

"This is all Blackleg-ya's doing. He forced me to aid him."

"This is _important_!" Sanji snarled, shaking him as Nami tried to understand without having all the information at hand. Sanji was on his feet and standing in front of her before she could blink. "Nami, without any details, just try and understand that this situation between men needs to remain so."

Nami's eyes widened.

"Yeah, that helps," Law snorted, sitting on the grass with his arms crossed.

"It's something between you two?" she repeated slowly.

"Just us," Sanji insisted. He looked uncomfortable. "It's just…if it were something I'd repeat to you, for you to understand, you wouldn't look at me the same way."

Nami looked from him to Law, seeing that the older man was more fascinated by a moth fluttering about than the conversation at hand. Her lips thinned as her expression turned surprised.

Nami gave him a long look of pity. "Oh… _Sanji_ …"

"You understand?" he asked meekly, hands in prayer form.

"Unfortunately, I do…you're both dumb ass idiots," she said with a pitiful sigh, shaking her head. "How long has this been going on?"

"Since this morning."

"Since we were kids."

"FALSE INFORMATION!"

Nami sighed again, hands on her hips as Sanji gave her a puzzled look. Law chuckled, Sanji whirling around to snarl at him.

"It would make things easier if you'd just talk to – " Law started to tell her when Sanji covered his mouth with both hands.

Nami idly scratched a collarbone, hearing a brief fight ensue between them. She looked over at Robin, but the woman was so enthralled with her new books that she wasn't giving anyone any attention. From the pile, it looked like Robin wasn't going to be any help at all.

"Well, _okay_ ," she said slowly. She turned to see that Law had Sanji in a chokehold. Chopper had taken notice and was trying to untangle gangly limbs from the other, crying about potential bone breaks. "Fix… _whatever_ it is that was messed up by tomorrow. I'm going to take advantage of our hotel stay – but I swear to you, if I hear of anything more nefarious than that happening - !"

"It's fixed, Nami!" Sanji said hastily, untangling himself to dart over to her, fixing his tie. "It's all fixed, it's just…one more small thing that needs to happen, but it shouldn't be of any trouble at all."

"I'm disappointed in you," she murmured, looking at him sharply while he looked crestfallen at her words. "I'm sure there were better choices to be made about this."

"Naaaaammmiii! I'm so _sorry_!"

"Not that I give any damns!" she then said cheerily, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "I used to give it a wonder every now and then, and now that I have a confirmation, I feel a whole lot better about it."

Sanji gave her a clueless expression, wondering what that meant.

"C'mon all of you!" Nami barked at the others. "Are we doing this, or not? I want a nice bed for the night, and you're wasting my time here!"

"I feel like you should have told her every detail, because it was obvious she missed many of them," Law said, brushing off his pants as the Strawhats prepared to leave Sunny. Sanji grit his teeth.

"Nami is very smart," he insisted. "She understood without me saying all the ugly things I needed to."

Counting off his fingers, he stated, "Your date that you wanted to keep secret, telling a well known author you're gay, involving _my_ name in your pseudo-gay affairs - ! All of this would surely cause more damage than it should!"

"It's all _my_ problem, Blackleg-ya!" Law said with a heavy, exasperated sigh. "I don't care what anyone thinks!"

" _But I do_!" Sanji insisted, slapping his own chest. " _I_ care what people think of me!"

"This is why you're with _such_ a reputation."

" _You_ need to care more because this shit will come back and bite you in the face later on!" Sanji growled, using the bottom of his foot to pat Law's head, and Law reacted with a swipe because it was frightening how this cook wasn't made of rubber but insane flexibility that no man should be capable of.

"When we do this tomorrow, I want you to understand something about me," Sanji then said as he lit up. "I might not be recognizable on my Wanted poster, but I am a Wanted man. So if you should encounter any trouble pertaining to that…"

Law looked at him with irritation. "My bounty is considerably higher than yours."

"I'm Wanted _alive_."

"I _know_ , your highness," Law said, walking off with a snort while Sanji scowled at his back. He then strode off to the kitchen, catching sight of Luffy cramming the last bit of icing from the floor into his mouth. Since the rubberboy had pretty much cleaned up a mess he hadn't been looking forward to, Sanji used Luffy to wipe off the counters with before tossing him outside.

Morning came faster than expected. But Sanji finished dressing up; he looked quite spiffy in a black blazer and blue shirt underneath a vest and jeans. His shoes were shiny and he finished tightening a magenta tie. To irritate the man using his body, he carefully inserted a flower he'd clipped into his lapel pocket, the bright yellow petals brilliant against the black material of his blazer. After that, he spritzed cologne into the air and twirled through the mist.

 _I'm so fucking hot_ , he thought of himself with pride as he set the cologne bottle back into his locker. _I'd date me_.

He then marched outside to see that Law was yawning noisily over a cup of coffee; wearing a basketball jersey with his Jolly Roger, faded navy cargo shorts and the hideous hightops from yesterday. Sanji's face looked as if he'd stepped in shit as he approached him.

"Gotta brush my teeth, first," Law told him, then winced at the sight of him. "Am I attending some high class function?"

"I learned nothing of yesterday's supposed 'lesson'," Sanji snapped at him. He nodded with confidence. "Today, maybe you'll learn how to use some of the confidence I have – when ladies fall at your feet, don't kick them. Praise them."

"I chose you because no one knows who the hell you are," Law said crankily.

Sanji almost burst into flames of fury right then and there but controlled himself mightily.

"You're just saying these things because you are shy and insecure," he said to him. "Your bluster doesn't faze me one bit."

After hocking an impressive loogy, Law then finished his coffee.

"Stop drinking stuff that makes me have to pee!" Sanji shouted impatiently at him. "The less I handle your private parts, the better!"

"Refrain from smoking so much," Law snapped back, tossing the cup over his shoulder.

A second later Sanji was looking at himself, Law spitting out the cigarette he'd just lit. Sanji looked down at his new body with disgust, plucking at the jersey. He looked so dejected that Law had to suppress an awkward expression that displayed exactly what he thought.

"I would've been so much happier with those ugly animal print jeans and boots and feathers," Sanji muttered.

"Seeing you now is like looking upon a child that was denied dress up." Law tossed the flower. "Where do we meet?"

"One o'clock, down at the pier."

"Fine." Law reached for Kikoku but Sanji snatched it from him. A forceful glare on his face, Sanji held it clumsily as he then released more instructions towards him.

"Don't you _dare_ ," Sanji stressed, hand out for emphasis, "approach that woman. We're done with her."

Law shrugged because he was pretty much over it. "Well, what do you intend on doing?"

"Supply shopping."

Law gave him a grimace before looking longingly at his hat and sword. His head felt terribly naked and his hands were useless without anything to hold onto. Sanji glared at him, waiting for him to make his move. But Law forced himself to turn and walk off. "Good luck with that."

Sanji wondered what that meant.

: :

Law approached the town cautiously. He was a bundle of nerves, rigid because he was sure this experiment would backfire on him. Sure, people glanced at him but they were looking at him in the way he was used to. Women smiled faintly at him but only after looking his outfit over. Men glared at him, securely positioning themselves near their women but none of them reacted the way they would when they saw Trafalgar Law walking about.

He missed the security comfort of his sword, but he had to reassure himself that Sanji was part of the Monster Trio for a reason. Strawhat absolutely trusted Sanji with his whole life so there had to be more to this short, sputtering dandy than what Sanji had actually shown.

He had the advantage to browse throughout the small shops in the area. Finding souvenirs for his crew, testing local food, appraising breweries – all in the relative comfort of his own company. Men tried challenging him a few times, taking offense at the very sight of him – with what he looked like, Law couldn't blame them. Women gave him sweeping attention but nothing like what he was familiar with. Maybe it would help if Law smiled or said anything, but his face remained tense and there was no point wasting breath on people he'd never see again.

As he was taking a break from shopping – _oh, Strawhat cook, won't you realize what a picture you make?_ – he ordered a pint of beer from a bar. With his bags settled around him, he drank with appreciation, listening to the clamor of sound around him. He began brooding about what he was going to do with Caesar and his future endeavors on Dressrosa, when he became aware of attention from his left. He looked over to seeing a mean mug staring back at him, lip curled with distaste.

"What are you _wearing_?" he was asked.

"Clothes your mom likes," Law answered, narrowing his eyes. "What of it?"

"Guys like you offend me," the man said slowly, placing his near body length-sized sword in front of him. "Coming in a place like this, looking for attention."

Law finished his drink then set it aside, sliding off his chair. He picked up his bags.

"Have I made you uncomfortable?" the man sneered, men behind him tittering as attention came his way.

Law observed the way most of them jeered or glared in his direction, then judged the distance between floor to the man's chin. After yesterday's experiment, he was fairly certain he had this part.

"Yes," he responded shortly. He gave the man's outfit a onceover. "Your style is offensive."

"What does that – ?"

Before he could complete his sentence, Law kicked him. He expected a simple knock out, not watching a man fly through the ceiling and emerge into the open air with a fading shout. He looked down at his foot like he just discovered he had a loaded gun. Everyone else in the bar was silent, gaping at him with incredulous expressions.

"Excuse me," he then said politely, leaving the bar. He heard the man he'd kick return to earth behind him. He was intending on heading to the bookstore to browse when he heard an uproar behind him. He looked back to seeing the man's friends armed to the teeth and ready to attack.

 _How is this different from when women follow me_? Law wondered curiously. People looked alarmed, then looked at him with some pity after seeing the crowd's intentions.

"Run this way! Hurry!" an older man offered, gesturing at a side alley.

Because he wasn't fancy with his attacks like Sanji was, Law followed the order. Once he was making his way through, the older man quickly directed his mule pulling a cart in front of it, causing a disruption. At the shouts that ensued, Law looked back to see things were okay and saw the cart pulled out of the way to allow men to continue the chase.

So he picked up his step and emerged onto the other side, looking for a place to hide. Conveniently, he saw the book store and walked inside just as the group emerged out from the side alley, so they missed seeing him. The older woman behind the counter looked at him with a smile.

"Hello! May I help you find something?" she asked cheerfully.

"I need your best selection on animal care manuals," Law said gravely. "I have a reindeer problem on my ship."

She looked startled but directed him in the right direction. Once he started browsing the shelves, he lost track of time. Various subjects caught his interest until he realized how quiet the bookstore was. A dangerous vibe filled the air, and Law carefully slid the book he was looking at back onto the shelf. Abandoning his bags for now, he peered around the shelf to see that the elderly woman was sprawled out on the floor, and the sight startled him.

 _Heart attack_? he thought as he made to hurry over. Something to his left caught his attention and he quickly threw himself to the side, just barely avoiding the swipe of something sharp and shiny.

"Hello," Law's newest attacker said, smiling shark-like teeth. "You remember me?"

Crouched, Law assessed the situation. The man was wearing an all black outfit, carrying a wavy-bladed sword, and had filthy hair hanging around a heavily shadowed face that was bandaged with seemingly worn scraps of material. His outfit looked like he'd just wrapped himself with black material like a mummy, but had gold chains dangling around his neck and chest.

"Jog my memory," he prompted, trying to remember running into this guy during the course of his travels.

"I remember you just fine," the man said, sword being dragged over the floor. Slivers of wood curled up and fell over as he straightened up. "Never thought to run into you again."

Law stood up to form a Room but remembered he wasn't in his body. He exhaled painfully.

"Please forgive me," he said dryly, "but you're not the first man to approach me so predatorily."

Round, seemingly colorless eyes twitched with what Law felt was burning hatefire. Law was curious to know why Sanji was hated this immensely.

"Don't you want to know _why_ you're Wanted alive?"

"No," Law said flatly.

"I killed the woman," the man said heavily, pointing at her. Law didn't see any blood, so he assumed this was a lie. "What are you going to do about it?"

To answer the man's question, Law laughed loudly. He jumped out of the way when that sword came down towards him – it was weird because he expected to come back down, but moments became longer than that, and he was still in the air as the sword came up. He jerked around to the side, somersaulted over the taller man and steadied himself as he turned around to face Law with a miffed expression.

"Look," Law said, hands up. "I'm not who you think I am."

"You are Sanji Blackleg, sous chef of the Baratie. Where we first met!"

"Did I…do something to offend you?"

The man growled, charging at him. "You were nice to me!"

Law jumped up again, easily avoiding the rapid swing of the sword. He alit onto one of the bookshelves, steadying himself as the entire thing rocked a bit.

 _Oh, cook-san, you_ peasant, he thought mockingly.

" _Too_ nice!" the man cried furiously, destroying the bookshelf with his sword and forcing Law to jump to another on the other side of the aisle. " _It ruined my life_!"

Law pulled out Sanji's pocket watch, frowning at the hands' positioning. "Right now isn't a very good time for me to discuss this."

"You'll take the time now to fix this – with the removal of your head!"

Law kicked the bookshelf down, sending it that man's way. Once he had the opportunity, he snatched up his bags and hastily ran for the back exit. Outside, he wiped his forehead and moseyed up the street. He would check on the woman later – he was positive she'd merely fainted or was concussed by her attacker's sword.

He headed back to the pier, sure to hear the cook's bitching because he was at least an hour late. Sure enough, Sanji was pacing restlessly, smoking hard puffs that drifted behind him. He handled Kikoku with clumsy action, swinging it wildly at his side, causing the red ropes to slap his legs. Law was galled by how animated Sanji made use of his body – Law was positive he'd never made such hand movements, arm flails, tosses of his head in such a _saucy_ manner.

" _What the hell_?" Sanji shouted once he caught sight of Law. He strode over to meet him, taking such obscenely long steps that it was obvious he wasn't used to Law's lengthier limbs.

Law gave him a suspicious look. "You are more popular than you think, Blackleg-ya."

"Why?" Sanji asked cautiously, hands on his hips.

"These _men_ just wouldn't leave me alone!"

With a cry of outrage, Sanji stomped impatiently on the wooden planks. "Damn it! I'm sure it's because you said some shit!"

"The last one I ran into was interesting, though. He was carrying a grudge of a years ago making, and was ready to finish it just now."

Sanji slapped his forehead with a groan – only he was holding Kikoku so he ended up hitting himself with the sword's fur-lined guard.

 _Idiot_ , Law thought as Sanji's head rang. The cook recovered quickly, rubbing his head as he gave the sword a betrayed expression.

"Those pop up from time to time."

Law leered at him. "What secrets are you trying to protect?"

"You ass, it's not even that!" Sanji kicked him, but because he was in Law's body, it did nothing but cause Law to cringe. Frustrated because he wasn't in his body, Sanji paced restlessly. He tapped the sword restlessly against his shoulder while gesturing at him. "Well, change us back so I can fix the problem."

"Hold your horses, your highness," Law grunted, setting the bags down to do so. He then snatched Kikoku from him, resting the familiar weight against his shoulder with relief. "There's more for me to spill."

Sanji exhaled. "Could you please stop calling me that?"

"Isn't it correct?"

"It's not something I brought with me," Sanji said low as Law tucked his blond fringe behind one ear. Sanji impatiently combed it back.

Law regarded him in silence for a few moments, then nodded. "There was this guy – "

"You're not going to ask _why_?"

"Blackleg-ya, you just told me to drop it, then you bring it up again."

"Any smart individual would want to pry for more information."

"I guess I'm stupid, then, because I don't care."

Sanji crossed his arms and looked at him victoriously, causing Law to look at him with a scowl.

"This was a short lesson on love," Sanji stated. "In order to find the right person, you have to pry a bit. You want to learn about another person, you have to ask them questions! Even if it's a question they don't want to answer, it still tells them – Hey, he's interested in me."

Law gave him a skeptical frown. "Or he's plotting on my demise by shelving blackmail or ransom for later."

Sanji gave him an impatient look. "The motive was a give and take conversation and you failed it."

"And this is why none of my dates work out!"

"Are you hiding a _secret_?" Sanji asked with a leer. Law shuddered.

"Please don't do that with my face."

"The real reason why you self-sabotage is because you've had your heart broken, so you're afraid to put yourself out there again. You have to get over that fear…it's not something that can happen again."

"Spoken like someone who's never experienced heart break, before."

Sanji shifted uncomfortably, looking out to the sea while Law bitterly regarded his obscenely shiny black shoes.

"I have," Sanji confessed. "I know what it feels like but I also know what it feels like to find it again. Sort of like a breath of fresh air after choking for so long. Those first few breaths are tough and they hurt, but afterward every breath is just as new and fresh as it was before that. Being afraid of pain just because it hurt so much back then is just the same as what that person did to you."

"But in this life, having it just to lose it violently and horrendously isn't the same as choking," Law muttered. "It's dying all over again."

"Look at you now – look how far you've come. You obviously haven't lived this life for another person, you're living it for you, right? But if you want to continue living your life _afraid_ of taking another chance just because of that _one time_ you were hurt…then what a waste of an adventure."

"Then what's your excuse?" Law challenged him. "Why haven't you succeeded?"

Sanji thinned his lips bitterly, giving a one-shouldered shrug. "I know what it feels like to be unloved, so damned if I let anyone else feel that way."

"Even men?"

"I don't care about them," Sanji said with a sniff.

Law studied him for a few moments, then said, "You have brothers, so I know where this is coming from."

"'tch."

"Not every man is your brother."

"And not every date is the one you've lost!"

" ' _tch_."

"Look," Sanji said, shuffling from foot to foot, "whatever you're going through right now, I think it's important to remember that you're not alone. You've might've come through heartbreak alone but you're not, now. It's obvious your crew gives a damn. Just as mine does. It's important to not be afraid."

"Having some fear is healthy, Blackleg-ya. You cannot be telling me this when I cannot even say anything associated with your background. Obviously there's some fear there," Law pointed out, Sanji making a bitter face.

"Well then, we're both fucked, aren't we? Forget it!"

"THERE HE IS!"

Both of them turned to see the group of men, including the one Law had kicked, gathering nearby. Surprisingly, there was a bigger number of them than Law had seen earlier.

" _That_ was the other problem," Law said.

" _What did you do_?" Sanji growled.

"They were offended somehow, I wasn't really clear on the details," Law explained, crossing his arms as he watched the group approach.

Gesturing at himself, Sanji said, " _Switch_ us! Change us, I'll take care of this problem since it's me they have a problem with."

Law then looked at him skeptically. "Where are the supplies you went shopping for?"

Sanji stopped in mid-motion, then blushed. He hands went to his mouth as he pranced giddily, Law looking at him with horror.

"Well, a gentleman never blabs," Sanji explained goofily.

"I hope you know I carry a _very_ contagious strain of – "

"I found a rather nice bunch of ladies that wanted to treat me to a good time – "

"They wanted to show _Trafalgar Law_ a good time, not Sanji Blackleg."

Sanji wilted as the attacking cries came closer. Law was disgusted to actually see traces of lipstick on his clothes. "I know, but - ! For those few hours, it felt good to have the attention, so I might've indulged a little too greedily."

"How much did it cost? I usually don't pay a penny over – "

"I didn't have to pay for it! _Now switch us_!"

Law faced him, reaching out to capture his chin with a growl. "Did you remember to pull back on the skin and wash thoroughly?"

Sanji gave him such a bewildered look that Law had his answer. He released him, satisfied. "It's good to know you are still a virgin, soul and mind."

The kicked man lunged at Law with his sword outstretched.

Law switched them back to their original bodies. He caught Kikoku as Sanji tossed it to him before whirling around and kicking the man into the ground, taking off in a flurry of legs and feet to send the others flying. Forming a Room, Law used his sword to Scan – he found what was he looking for.

While Sanji was occupied kicking various men off the pier, Law drew his hand back, retrieving the one that didn't fit the group.

The man in black flopped onto the wood before him, Law approaching him with sword in hand.

"Now, finish what you were saying," Law commanded quietly of him, those colorless eyes focused up on him with confusion.

"Huh?"

"You had a vendetta against him."

Confusion rang clear of the man's face as he pushed himself to his feet, looking back at the Strawhat cook. He looked at Law to ask a question when he felt the blade of Kikoku against his chin.

" _Finish_ what you were saying," Law urged, wearing his most vicious expression.

"Just…it's between me and him, not…not you, I assure you."

"Then if you've nothing to say, I'll make this right myself," Law said, preparing to run him through when he heard a woman's cry of distress. He glanced over to see a woman dropping on the pier to their left, hand to her mouth. There were others there to look at her, hurriedly gathering her to her feet. An ungodly amount of blood was flowing from her nose, and her hood fell back to reveal Barbara.

That distraction was enough for his victim to push away, throwing himself into the murky waters of the shore to escape. Law gave Barbara a dirty look as Sanji careened over in that direction.

Seeing that the cook had pretty much cleared out the rowdy gang of men, Law sheathed Kikuko.


	8. Chapter 8

Barbara's eyes fluttered open, and once she saw Sanji's concerned expression, she felt emblazoned with renewed energy. She popped up with a harsh inhale, looking around herself for her bag while other people milling around commented lightly on the excitement.

"Are you okay?" Sanji asked her, gently blotting her face with his handkerchief.

"I'm absolutely _amazing_!" Barbara breathed, climbing to her feet with his assistance. "I - ! Saw and heard some fantastic things!"

Sanji was sure it was because of his skills handling the jerks that tried to rush them, and preened with pride. But all Barbara wanted to do was capture this beautiful moment on paper and she had her quill out, dropping various things from her bag as she yanked at her notebook.

'I'll make this right myself,' she wrote with several exclamation points, and included stick figures to make the image stick.

Sanji continued looking at her with confusion as she then stuffed it back into her bag.

"I was actually headed for the sea," she said, looking to see that Law was busy snorting and hocking loogies over the edge of the pier. The show made some of the sea-weary men nearby wince. "I write better when I'm adrift, with nothing but my thoughts and imagination!"

"Not this particular book, right?" Sanji asked with worry, hands locked together. "The one we talked about?"

Barbara looked at him with confusion, wiping her hair from her face. She was flustered at how put-together he was; so dashing and masculine, yet so metro! She caught a whiff of his cologne, eye lashes fluttering as her thoughts dashed off in various directions. She reached up to grab his jacket, breathing heavily.

"Tell me," she said eagerly, "just answer me a simple question! Where do you get your clothes?"

"Oh! Well, I have a tailor I rely on in the East Blue," he said cheerfully, adjusting his blazer and straightening his tie. "Special material! It's fire retardant, doesn't shrink when I get them wet, and easily repaired when ripped."

Barbara stared up at him before side-eying Law and his impressive sword. The surgeon of death sneezed.

"How is it against swords?" she asked cautiously.

"Well, admittedly, it's not that strong," Sanji had to admit, thinking about the times Zoro had managed to nick him during their fights. He brushed himself off. "But I learned to fix them myself."

Eyes bright, Barbara then asked, "Can they hold up against a man's eager hands?"

Sanji reflected on his fights with Zoro once again. Thinking about all the times the swordsman had swung him around when he got lucky enough to grab ahold of Sanji. "Well, it depends on his strength, but lately they've held up pretty well. Some fights are more passionate than others."

Barbara's cheeks glowed, fingers laced together as she brought them to her mouth. "Would you say they were out of jealousy and desire?"

This one Sanji knew well, unable to stop himself from tidying a little. "Well, I know what I look like, and some ruffians are a little eager to show off their displeasure so I'd say so."

Barbara's hand went to her chest. "How often do you and your friend fight?"

Sanji counted off the times on his fingers the times he and Zoro had tussled. Barbara looked at him with concern. She reached out and grabbed his hands to stop the counting. "Aren't you concerned about prolapse?"

" _Eh_?"

"Never mind! But this fight, was it one of the usual ones?" Barbara then asked, looking for signs of the men Sanji had just sent flying while Sanji tried to understand what word she'd just used. "Men were angry with you?"

"Yeah, well, I guess," Sanji muttered, wondering what Law had done to cause the trouble. He looked over at the surgeon, who was studying the water below with a suspicious air. "Whatever he caused – "

"Out of jealousy over you?" she asked on a wild cry.

"What? Jealousy over me?" Sanji had to think about it – he was often confronted by men who expressed discomfort over his presence so he had to assume that this was so. After all he was fine and fit, wearing clothes fit for a man in charge – he shrugged. "I suppose so. The sight of my appearance causes many guys to react so negatively. I think they're intimidated, or something."

Barbara flushed. "So the man your friend was confronting just now – he must've been the worst of them, huh?"

Sanji remembered that he and Law had been talking about someone with a 'grudge'. He frowned over at Law with his hands on his hips, wondering if he'd missed this one. Law caught sight of him glaring at him, so he glared back. Barbara felt that there were many things being said with this silent exchanged and held her breath.

"I wasn't aware that he was talking to someone while I was occupied," Sanji said with a grit of his teeth. Barbara looked up at him with pleasure.

 _Oh, the_ jealousy _in just that one sentence_!

"I take my eyes off him for one minute, and he's already up to no good!"

"With his reputation as a lady killer, I'm sure this is a stressful relationship with you," Barbara said carefully.

"Well, _yes_!" Sanji exclaimed, hand to his heart. "Look at that asshole! How do women flock to him and not me? Pardon my language, but he's not exactly someone on his best behavior when needs to be. This relationship between men is not something to be misconstrued – we're only a temporary alliance."

Barbara shivered. All she heard was what she wanted with all the feelings she could imagine in it.

"I'm trying to help him out," Sanji then said, lowering his voice to look at her with desperation. "I care about that _that_ much! I just want his happiness and security, not anything more!"

Barbara's eyes glowed once more, hand to her mouth. "It's a _beautiful_ thing!"

Sanji sighed heavily. Law appeared suddenly between them, looking sullen as he clutched his sword to himself. Barbara repressed a scream as she recognized that he wanted to separate them – obviously making a show of his "jealousy" by preventing her from having any contact with Sanji. Her knees felt weak.

"If she's not dead, then she's fine," Law muttered. "Having a full conversation with such a nefarious liar is only adding gas to a bloodthirsty fire."

"This has nothing to do with you!" Sanji hissed at him. "Let me have my moment!"

"Not when it can be interpreted as something else!"

"What can it be interpreted _as_?" Sanji cried incredulously. "Surely you're the one with the wrong ideas!"

"Let us away from her – your stalker is still on the loose, and I want to find him to say 'I told you so'."

"Ah, sir, this stalker - !" Barbara interjected, reaching out to touch one of his tightly crossed arms to get his attention.

Sanji seethed with fury that this selfish ass would be treated to her gentle touch that he jerked the crossly expressioned man from her grasp so that he wouldn't be tempted to harm her in any way. Instead of feeling insulted in any way, this only caused this 'bloodthirsty fire' to burn more hotly as she gasped in delight.

"Sanitize your hands," Sanji told her hastily, digging out the sanitizer that he knew was in Law's jeans pockets and dumping an obscene load into the hands he snatched. Law looked affronted that he was violated so obscenely. "Quickly, rub it in! You don't know what he has on him!"

 _He just doesn't want me touching him_! Barbara thought with a slight frothing at the mouth.

"It has nothing to do with what you think," Law told her bitterly. "So anything you are thinking now you should… _not_."

"But if I could be of any assistance…?"

"There is nothing you can assist with other than keeping your sick, deluded fantasies to yourself and not the world. No one in their right mind should possess such twisted fallacies like the ones you pen," Law snarled at her.

Barbara looked hurt.

"The world should remain ignorant to the secrets men try to keep, because they find these things precious," Law continued, thinking about how his insides mattered to him. To have them ripped out and detailed in fiction that people read for sexual arousal made him sick to the stomach.

Barbara's hurt feelings faded away and was replaced with intense moe. Her eyes glittered with joy. _He was still trying to protect his lover_! she thought.

Her breath was shaky as he exhaled, and Sanji just watched with insulted disgust because how could a _sweet, beautiful_ woman like her enjoy the abuse Law was smothering her with? He just didn't understand, mouth opening and closing with protests that couldn't emerge.

Law saw this from the corner of his eye and helped him close it. "I have this under control," he assured Sanji firmly. Barbara's inner fangirl shrieked so noisily that her own lungs ached.

"Enough of this. We don't have time to spare. The others should be returning shortly and will ruin what we have left to finish," Law said, giving Barbara a drop-dead glare as he passed by her. Barbara had to breathe in shakily, taking a step away from him. She paled because she was sure to faint again – her fingers to her nose with trembling strength.

"I'm sorry he scared you, but he means well," Sanji apologized to her, giving her a fresh hanky. "It's not safe here – _please_ be careful wherever you go. Do try and stay out of trouble."

As he walked away, Barbara watched them leave the pier, snapping and growling at each other. Law then reached out to shake him while Sanji kicked him, both of them red-faced and angry, and it lit her heart fires in such a way that she felt she was going to combust. She raced to her small, barely functioning raft. She needed to write everything she was feeling just now – she had no doubt that this book was going to be the best yet!

As they were headed to town, Law said, "He was a mummy with bling Crocodile would've been jealous of. Surely that rings a bell?"

"I don't know of any mummies," Sanji said with concern, struggling to place an image.

"His face was wrapped up but through the slits here and there, one could tell he nursed this grudge for far too long. And he was using the advantage of the group to get in close. We must fix this before it can carry on for far longer," Law said gravely. "After all, I know what it is like to be angry for so long, that I am capable of many great things. So, for him to carry this grudge for as long as he has, since you were in East Blue, it might turn fatal for you."

"Like that sort of thing scares me," Sanji scoffed, hands in his pockets. "By the way, you were utterly rude to her! Refrain from being such an asshole in the presence of a woman."

"I felt if I didn't make myself clear," Law started slowly, as they came upon the edges of town, "she would get the wrong idea. She was out to write her book, Blackleg-ya, and you were feeding her fodder to last her for days! She was looking upon you like you were her latest meal!"

"What if I don't care about that?" Sanji exclaimed, hands out wide. "I like when a woman looks at me in such a way!"

"Detailing within her imagination everything she wanted to do to you," Law said with disgust.

"If it makes her happy!"

Law snorted, continuing on with sword against his shoulder. "You are a real piece of work. You obviously don't care how others feel about the situation."

" _You_ need to let go of this," Sanji snapped at him. "You need to give me room to breathe and enjoy what's happening, because this doesn't happen often!"

"I don't like letting you out on your own because I know you'll just cause trouble _I'll_ have to clean up!"

"What's there to clean up? Why does it matter to you?"

"Because this was my situation in the first place, and you interfered and made it that much worse, Blackleg-ya! Now I'm being threatened, I _feel_ threatened, and you just want to make it that much worse!"

"Get over yourself," Sanji growled at him. "We've been together long enough for you to know me by now, and if you don't accept me as is, then maybe you should just leave me the hell alone!"

"Fine!"

" _Fine_!"

They walked off in separate directions, obviously furious enough to have farm animals and people scurry out of their proximity. Meanwhile, Sanji's stalker sat slowly on the ground, mind whirling.

 _I'm confused_ , he thought, blinking rapidly.


	9. Chapter 9

Back at Sunny, Sanji baked furiously. He was replicating the cake he'd made the day before, but he had a different color and flavor scheme in mind. He gnashed on toothpicks as he worked, whipping batter and icing with a frenzy. He was mad, but it wasn't because of Law – _that_ was something easily forgotten – it was because of how unfair it was that women fell for Law. Just because he was good looking didn't make him an ideal candidate for love!

Sanji didn't understand – he was the nicest he could be. He couldn't even _imagine_ treating women the way Law treated them – asides from old mermaid ladies – and get the result that he did. As far as Sanji was concerned, every young beautiful woman deserved his finest treatment. He shuddered to think of talking to Nami and Robin in the same way Law talked to them. He'd use Zoro's sword on his belly if he - !

He paused in mid-whip, giving the idea consideration. Maybe he didn't have to talk to them in that matter, but how would this work on women here in town? Would they fall all over him like they did over Law? It hurt his heart and stomach to even _think_ of that.

He continued whipping, then set that bowl outside to withdraw the other pieces from the oven. He kicked the door shut and set them atop of the stove to cool. The others weren't expected back, soon. Maybe he could just try it on the first few women he saw and then make it up to them with…cake!

He broke his cake apart and spent some time decorating them. He thought about Law's behavior, then gave an absolute nod. He would try this to see exactly where and what he was doing wrong.

He changed before he left Sunny – putting effort into a plain black tank, sloppy shorts from Zoro's locker and Luffy's high tops. He pulled on Zoro's black trucker's hat as well, scowling at his reflection in the mirror. He packed his single layer cakes into pretty boxes, tied that together and set out from Sunny. He felt insecure with himself; underdressed and… _ugly_ …but he drew his shoulders back and huffed. It was just an experiment, nothing more.

The first lovely woman he saw – beautiful, bouncy red curls, freckles and eyes that look like they could match an icy frozen lake! – he immediately made a beeline to. He was eager to spring upon her some compliments that would sure dazzle the heck out of her but then he remembered – Law did not stalk women to pay compliments. _They_ stalked _him_.

So he paused in mid-stride, the woman looking at him shyly as she handled chickenfeed.

Law did not smile or gaze upon women lovingly – he glared and frowned until they were all a gooey eyed mess, struggling to appease him.

So Sanji mimicked his glare and the woman looked startled. Coolly – but with intense sadness in his heart – he turned and walked away. She didn't chase him. A little further down the road, Sanji spotted another young lady, hurrying along with groceries. He was attempting to catch her eye when something warned him from behind. He quickly jumped aside and saw the man that Law had described standing there, breathing heavily as he welded a wavy sword.

"Sanji Blackleg! Finally! I have found you!" he snarled, eyes ablaze with hatred.

"Ugh, what do you want?" Sanji asked tiredly, digging out his cigarettes. "I've got a lot of things to do…"

"I've come to exact revenge for what you've done to me!"

"What did I do exactly? I've ruined many men's lives…"

Furiously, the wraps were ripped off the man's face, revealing absolute perfection. High cheekbones, symmetric features and a dazzling smile despite the shark-like teeth. The woman Sanji had tried to approach gasped, dropping her bags. Sanji felt exasperation wilt his shoulders and confidence.

"After you re-arranged my face," the man snarled, "my life changed!"

"Usually for the better," Sanji said skeptically, hiking up his boxes. "If you can't find happiness then I don't know what to do for you."

"This wasn't done out of the kindness of your heart! You did it because my date had no interest in me! You thought rearranging my face would help me!" the man cried, whipping out an old photograph of himself, displaying a man totally different from who was looking at him. That man was chubby with heavy eyelids that made him sleepy looking, with a double chin, crooked teeth and a receding hairline. He also had a smattering of freckles but those were missing from his present face.

"Didn't it?"

" _No_! Now, women fall at my feet!" the man cried, sinking to one knee. "I end up double booking dates…all of them accuse me of being a scoundrel just because they don't trust me…they give me all of their time and money but - !"

Sanji kicked him furiously, watching him sail through the air. He followed without another look back. " _And how is this a bad thing_?" he roared furiously, alighting into flame.

After the man had crashed into a storage shed, Sanji put his cakes aside.

"Because I just want _one_!" the man roared, bursting out from the wreckage. "And she can't trust me because I'm too fucking _pretty_!"

"Then let me take back my work!"

"I'd feel better if I killed you so you'll no longer ruin men's lives," the man snarled, dark hair catching the light breeze and showing off his stunning bishounen features. Even female animals took notice.

Sanji had to wonder if he could kick his own face. While the other man posed with his sword held firmly, Sanji guided his own foot to his face, finding the pose awkward.

" _Stop doing that_!" the man cried in anguish, holding his own genitals protectively. He charged. "I will finish you!"

"First off, it's important that I know your name," Sanji said, avoiding the wild swipes of the sword.

"It's Loki!"

Sanji had to pause. _Why does that sound familiar?_ he thought. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully before hopping straight up. He sky-walked several feet into the air, Loki glaring at him from the ground.

"Don't worry, it'll only hurt for a second," Sanji said soothingly before whipping back down and using his feet to rearrange the man's face. Once he was finished, he alit onto the ground with a casual grace, the sword falling noisily from Loki's grasp.

Once the dust cleared, Loki's face was unrecognizable as bruises and lumps. He was missing teeth.

"Come see me in a few months' time for a follow up," Sanji advised, picking up his cakes to walk away.

"Wait!"

Sanji turned to look at him with a scowl, exhaling smoke into the air. Loki crawled towards him, dripping with blood and barely able to see out of one eye.

"Are you...? I mean, after what I heard…? Not…a ladies' man? But a man's man?"

"I am the smoothest ladies' man you'll ever meet," Sanji assured him. "This is why I tried to help you out – "

"You'd convinced my date to _upgrade_ after you ruined my face!"

"Well…it can't be helped. Good day, sir."

"No…it won't end this way!" Loki snarled, grabbing his sword and stumbling after him. "You'll die! No other man should be shamed in this manner!"

Swords clashed noisily as Law stopped the swing with Kikoku – Sanji turned at the sound of it, Loki looking surprised at the surgeon's appearance.

"It is time you disappeared," Law said low, glaring into the man's bruised and lumpy face. " _For science_!"

With a few hand motions, he had Loki in literal pieces while Sanji stared dumbly at the scene. Little did they know, the only witness to the scene was now on her knees, hands to her mouth. She planned on telling Barbara _everything_ she had seen just now.

Law sheathed Kikoku. "I will take this man onto my sub once we meet my crew. I'm going to figure out how you are able to perform cosmetic surgery without tools or knowledge."

"Did you just… _save me_?" Sanji asked on a heavy whisper, mouth dropping open.

"This is mainly for me," Law answered skeptically.

Sanji gave him a dirty look, adjusting his hat. He then strode off, feeling pissed.

Hours later, as Sunny streamed away from the island, the crew was partaking in dinner Sanji had prepared for them.

"I'd really appreciate it if you didn't take people apart and bring them onto our ship," Nami said to Law over the table.

Law had his mouth full of rice and tuna-mayo so when he spoke she could barely understand him. "You'll have to forgive your guests' quirks."

"He is literally in the corner of the library, _squirming_ , bro," Franky stated with discomfort. "After Sanji busted him up, you can't understand a word he's saying."

"If he's not dead, it's fine."

"Why'd you do that?" Zoro then asked curiously.

"He was an uninvited blast from my past!" Sanji snapped, serving Luffy a platter of meat and kicking the rubberboy for making too much of a mess. "So he was dealt with!"

"It was really nice of you, surgeon-san, for taking care of Sanji's troubles," Robin said gratefully.

"I didn't help him at all," Law stated. "I did this for me."

"Oh," Nami said shortly, looking awkward.

"For _science_."

"I'm sure it was!" Chopper cried. "Because that mystery should be explored! How does Sanji do that?"

"It doesn't work _all_ the time," Sanji said, grabbing Zoro's cheek and shaking him. The swordsman threw his knife at him.

"Well, I hate to break it to you," Ussop said slowly, looking guilty, "but I dumped that guy overboard."

Law looked at him murderously while everyone looked at Ussop with appreciation.

"I thought he was some sea monster! I just saved us all!"

"What about that woman?" Nami asked. "Is that all finished?"

"There should be no trouble from her," Sanji said gratefully. "She was a very understanding individual!"

Nami gave him a skeptical look. "Well, I hope so…you guys should've asked for our help."

"You guys wouldn't understand, and it wasn't that big of a problem," Sanji said hurriedly. "It was best that we handled it ourselves."

Robin's eyes were bright as she focused on her food. She couldn't wait to read Barbara's latest as soon as it were published.

Months later, once there was a chance in the chaos for everyone to rest for a moment, Robin drew out the book from her bag. Sanji was still wallowing in Cake Island angst while Law had his mind occupied with his Wano schedule so she thought it was a good time to show them her latest book.

"It's called, 'A Burning Fire'," Robin said, giving to Law once she had Sanji's attention. "You two should read it."

"If it's not about how to kill a Yonkou – " Law started to complain when Sanji jerked the book from his grasp.

"This is from Barbara!" he cried happily, flipping to the back page. He froze once he saw the picture on the back flap – of the beautiful, imaginative woman posing with a wide smile with Loki; both of them in love and happy. If possible, Loki was more attractive than ever. Robin snatched the book out of his hand before it could catch fire.

She gave it to Law. "You should read it first."

"If it should detail my death in such a way…" he mumbled, flipping through the pages. He froze as Sanji blazed about, vowing a return to the island to finish what he'd started.

Bepo looked over Law's shoulder. He read aloud:

'Make it right,' the doctor whispered to his prince, sword dropping after using it to fell the giant.

'Our families will never agree to our secret union!' the prince said with a harsh sigh, kicking the body of his father away. 'If we should run away, it'd be easier for them to accept - ! My friends would only understand then!'

'I refuse to hide you – to hide this. They should know that you're mine! After all, you don't hide treasure – you flaunt it.'

'Calm your jealous fire, doc. Let me take care of this. I don't need saving.'

'I did it mainly for me – because I can't afford to lose you. You're my treasure.'

Law ripped the book from Bepo while Sanji looked confused and Robin struggled to maintain her stoic expression. Flipping through it frantically, Law discovered that Barbara did NOT write snuff fiction. He closed the book up and slid it into the folds of his kimono.

"I take it you'll read it later?" Robin asked.

Law patted Bepo's shoulder. "He'll take over from here. Trust that he has everything under his control. I will return in two weeks' time."

"Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere!" Sanji shouted, grabbing him. "Part of the plan is mostly _your_ damn involvement!"

"If you'd read the things I had, Blackleg-ya," Law said on a snarl, "you'd want to correct the issue at hand, too!"

"I'd never run! Certainly not from a woman! Even _if_ she were a woman who makes bad choices!" Sanji ripped his kimono open, much to Robin's excitement and Bepo's distress. He then stole the book from Law, who hugged himself protectively after being so viciously manhandled. Bepo slapped Sanji's arm in retaliation but that was the length of his ferociousness. Sanji opened the book, Robin watching him with fascination.

After reading a few lines, Sanji shut the book, tucked it into his striped kimono. "I'm just going to take a quick jog to the volcano for a bit. I need some air. Hopefully I inhale enough gases to die," he said lightly, and walked away without revealing anything on his expression.

Bepo looked bewildered. "Why go that far over a _book_? Captain - !"

"Shh, Bepo, it's for his own good," Law said stoically. But he once again had the book in his possession, tucking it deep into his _fundoshi_ as Bepo made a face. Sanji shouted angrily in the distance. "For that wretched woman to tell the entire world of a fantasy relationship between men - ! I will kill her myself."

"Oh, _captain_ ," Bepo said with exasperation, clearly not believing him. "That's a happy fluster I see, not a humiliated one."

"I'm sure it isn't _that_ bad," Robin said with a suppressed smile. "It's a work of fiction. _Of course_ it's not true."

At the sight of Law waddling awkwardly into the other direction with a huff, near similar to how Luffy did when he couldn't lie, Robin found herself _wondering_ …she couldn't wait to get to her quill and paper. Barbara definitely needed to know this!

**THE END**


End file.
